Ripe TV

Kate Moss and Gisele Bundchen are naked and up for sale. The famed Christy’s auction house is selling a collection of photographs from the creepily-named Gert Elfering’s private collection.

The entire lot of them is expected to go for somewhere between 2 and 3 million dollars. Or you can go to the local truck stop strip club and see slightly less taut versions for five bucks and a two drink minimum. We know the bartender, so we’ll have him put the auction on the tube for irony’s sake. See you there.

The US Census Bureau has come out with its annual education report, and guess what. The girls team is winning.

About 33 percent of women between the ages 25 and 29 earned a bachelor's degree or better in the 2006-07 school year, compared with 26 percent of their male counterparts, the US Census Bureau said yesterday in its latest educational numbers crunch.

Stay at home dad...stay at home? Rad! (rimshot) This might not be all bad for us, fellas. We aren’t afraid to say we’re at the least curious if not enthusiastic about being stay at home dads. There is a certain heartland nobility to maintaining a household. Remember, home is where the heart XBOX is.

By making your own custom action figure. For the low, low, totally worth it price of 425 dollars you can have your very own 12-inch version of yourself. Custom tattoos and stud earrings cost extra (just like in real life!). Now if only you can find a chick to appreciate how staggeringly groovy this is.

The best part, though, is when they feel like the have to defend the patently phenomenal idea of having a 12-inch action figure of yourself by describing uses for your doll.

...there is no event that these would not be welcome. Another solution is Memorial Action Figures, Bereavement Gifts, Funeral Gifts,

Funeral gifts, indeed! If there aren’t two versions of ourselves doing battle with gladiator jousting sticks atop our coffins we will be back to haunt the living piss out of every one of our friends and family for at least a year. Make a note in your Blackberries.

Article.

Ivanka Trump – the hottest piece of millionaire, blonde babe on the planet – revealed to the NY Times recently that she’s all about having fun, and sleeping with a bunch of guys and is a total freak in the sack. Kind of. That’s a paraphrase…

"I'm 26," the devoted daughter of the Donald and his ex, Ivana Trump, tells The New York Times in a new profile, "and I tell myself, 'Why not have a little fun with that?' "

In the ripcurl of the emerging wave of feminine empowerment, we’d like to offer a collective “Hell Yeah,” and offer our home econocomical services to Ivanka and any other wealthy, busty ladies who are looking to have a little fun. We can be reached at our Hollywood offices.

Serious inquiries only.

Sienna Miller has a totally rad lesbotronic scene in her new movie “Interview.” She plays a wildly popular celebrity/actress/starlet/whatever and the movie is about straight-laced reporter Steve Buscemi coming to her house to interview her and then falling in love with her.

Her co-star is Tara Elders, and they totally lock it up in the movie. It doesn’t really matter why, because here’s what it looks like:

She also stated that she studied a particular American celebrity to prepare for the role.

She has said: "I could never say who they are, which is going to be frustrating, but yes there is a certain person that I studied from afar a bit for the role, but she is American."

That is a real puzzler. Which vaguely gay vastly overrated Yet undeniably engaging star could it be?

Celebrity ingénue and darling of the Ripe blog, Rumer Willis, was scandalized last week at the launch of club Goa when her dad, Bruce Willis, showed up with a model on each arm.

A reveler tells In Touch Weekly magazine, "She said, 'I have to leave, it's so embarrassing that he is here,' and left."

The best thing about Rumer Willis is she kinda sorta looks like Demi Moore, but she’s frumpish enough to be fully attainable. Here, this is a great way to think about it:

Rumer Willis + 12 shots of gin = Demi Moore.

Further evidence that she needs the (our) guiding hand of a stolid, confident life partner is she showed up to a GQ party with the tags still on the back of her clothes.

Rumer, darling, let us remove those tags. Kindly remove your shirt so we might get a better handle on the situation.

People magazine caught up with Selma Blair recently. It was probably pretty easy since she wasn’t really running away so much as lounging around looking very boop-able.

They asked about sex and lingerie and other pertinent topics. Here’s what emerged from her rouged lips.

Surrounded by lace slips and garter belts, the actress said her newly single status doesn't lessen her love of lingerie. "I have a lot of it, but mostly for myself," she said. "It just makes you feel beautiful."

And that, incidentally, is also what she's looking for in a man. "I want someone who makes me feel good," she said, adding with a sly smile, "if you know what I mean."

This is where we envy every pizza delivery boy and plumber in her zip code. Ready: ENVY.

Former gubernatorial candidate and, more notably, former porn star Mary Carey is clean, sober, and a sell-out (pun intended).

She’s had her breast implants removed after a stint in rehab and is now auctioning them off on eBay!

“Now that I’m sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state,” said Carey. “I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas.”

That’s the spirit, Mary. Do we get a discount since we voted for you*?

*Technically, we wrote in "Mary Carey's Juggs."

What’re you using your arms for? Wait. Do not answer that. Any of you. Especially you, darkandsexual.

Well, if you’re not using them for modeling, you should consider this shameful money-making opportunity.

Rent out your forehead, neck, upper arm, forearm or hand to a willing advertiser for a variable sum. They apply a temporary tattoo to you, and away you go to spend your hard-earned money on unfiltered Parliaments.

Be forewarned, though, Katamari Damacy fans, the amount you get paid is directly proportional to how visual (hot and social) you are.

She’s got some pictures floating around of her at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in the fitting room before strutting.

Lord above they name is Marissa Miller’s breasts. What is that in Latin? We’ll ask when we go to church on Sunday to atone for the unspeakable thoughts running through our head while we stare into the swirling black hole of bosom before us.

Rush and Molloy are reporting that Tara Reid is smelly, and this isn’t really news to anybody. The weird part is that they’re saying she is smelly in a bad way.

Bill Lawrence said Reid was his least favorite guest star - "not because she wasn't a nice person," but because she allegedly stank of booze and smokes.

We just don’t get how that isn’t hot. Booze and smokes and a paradoxically slim figure? However you do it, Tara, we’re not asking. Pay no mind to Bill Lawrence. We simply offer a shoulder, or a lap, or whatever, for you to cry on.

Kim Kardashian went shoppigng or somethin…um…ah! Oh no! Fantassy coming on!

There we are…frolicking in the rolling, golden hillocks of Kim Kardashian’s ample derriere amongst gilly flowers and sweetly-scented orange blossoms!

Using apple butter for lubricant, we slip and slide up and down the plush curves of her behind with the other school children, giggling merrily. Oh how gay these summer days are on the sweet pink pleasure hills Kardashian.

Then, at the small of her back, in the shade of her badonkadonk, we repose. Sipping buttermilk and telling stories, we rest until Aunt Khloe called us in for sweet breads.

Then we’d probably have sex with Kim. And her Butt.

This weekend Rihanna and her friend (Christian name: FriendofRihanna) shopped at the hip outdoor mall, The Grove. There was some ultra-foxy pics, as Rihanna takes no other kind. When, pon de replay of the pictures, we came upon a tricky spiritual presence.

Out of nowhere, it seems, the two friends were ghost-harassed! The Ripe TV blog can exclusively report that Rihanna and friend were accosted by a heretofore unnamed spirit.

The perverted specter used their invisibility to sweep past security reaching the girls with only a cold breeze to warn them.

As of the posting of this blog, the sex demon is still at large. And, unlike previous posts, we’re not referring here to Rihanna as a sex demon.

Jessica Simpson was on The View again.

“As far as boys go, I don't need 'em. I want a man."

"I'm kind of married to my music right now,”

“Warning: bitch on board.”

One of these quotes did not slough out of Jessica Simpson’s too-bright, smilin’ pie-hole. Can you guess which one?

She was on The View, a.k.a. 4th sign of the Apocalypse, and talked about nothing of import at all.

Before this View business, at least she was hot as hell. Now she’s surrounded by wrinkles, fat, and an incessant buzzing. We would pay exactly $4 (American) now to sleep with her. And that’s if there wasn’t a new Boston Legal on.

In Old Britania, this dude had sex with a bicycle. Even better, is that they have laws on the books to deal with this sort of ballyhoo over there. Anglophilia = justified.

Telegraph reports that the hapless saddle sexer was, ahem, astride his mate when some cleaning staff arrived.

The 51-year-old was naked from the waist down and when the women opened the door he paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?" before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex".

He was charged with "a sexual breach of peace," which actually sounds pretty bodacious. Those crazy Brits are nothing if not innovative. They invented the first locomotive, rugby, the Spice Girls, and now bike-banging. God save the Queen.