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Jimmy Fallon, it was announced (by some press person who works for NBC, most likely), is gonna slide into Conan O’Brien's slot (tee hee) when Conan slides into Leno's.

At least we know SOMEONE will be laughing during the monologue.

And hopefully this will stop him from "starring" in movies. Full story here...

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Millions of men of the kept and hoping-to-soon-be-kept variety let out a collective cry of panic yesterday as the latest endangered species list was released. Sitting at number four on the list to be functionally extinct by 2020… the North American cougar. *

A cougar, as defined by Wikipedia, is “an older woman, usually in her 30s-40s who sexually pursues younger men in their 20's or early 30's.” They’re kind of like the female equivalent of the dirty old men, the lecherous rich guy, etc.

Without this species, many an attractive and fit man will not be able to exercise their Oedipal demons, afford the designer clothing that fits their taut forms so snugly or take advantage of high-priced cocktails that might feature muddled whatever and perhaps even elderflower liquor. Except during happy hour. And that, to these now-panicked men, is unacceptable.

Brody (last name withheld by request), a 23 year-old part-time model who resides in a small one-bedroom in Brentwood, CA, expressed the feelings that are spiraling through his whole caste “It’s, like, messed up. I don’t know what the EPA or the CIA or TLC can do anything about this. It’s just… I can’t always swing rent on my own. And if a fine filly who reminds me of my mom wants to make-out and help me out, what’s wrong with that?”&sbsp;

Oh, wait. It’s just these kind? Damn. Until they buy our pretty ass a drink, we’re not lifting a finger.

* See story here...

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Joking about bowling-for-delegates fell as flat as every other joke Hillary “Stop Asking Me About Bill” Clinton has ever made, but the resourceful, intelligent and ultimately, destined-to-lose Democratic candidate for the office of President of the United States of America showed the same sort of bold and yet somehow-demeaning-to-all-involved spirit she has throughout her horse race of a campaign with Senator Barack “How You Like Me Now?” Obama.

Yep, she pulled off an up-skirt. Kudos for the courage, Ma’am, to speak to the youth in a language they understand. It’s worked throughout Hollywood to help usher many a woman of integrity and talent from stardom into super-stardom so Clinton gave it a shot. And now, the chips are falling wherever they so chose.

The Clinton Party hopes the super-delegates all have a new wallpaper on their screen today! All the way to White House… commando!

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Donald Trump was throwing a Super Bowl party, and like any self-respecting bazillionaire, he had naked 17-year old girls schilling his personal brand of vodka there. TMZ reports:

His reps tell TMZ -- with a straight face -- that Chanell Elaine Hallett crashed the party, and just happened to have her whole body painted with Trump Vodka logos. BTW, the so-called party crasher was allowed to serve up the vodka. Trump's rep says, "Given the circumstances, we can only guess that she crashed the event to seek publicity for herself."

You know what the most surprising part of this story is? There’re way more attractive girls willing to be naked (not even painted) who aren’t illegal to look at. Probably even some (any woman on Earth) within his spending range. That's poor management, but at least it's good irony.

Buy 'em here.

Well, you can get them again if you’re a rich, douchey hipster. A fancy-pants, Italian design house—Anzevino and Florence—is selling what used to be sold at J.C. Penny for 11 dollars for 68 dollars plus tax. Hipsters ruin everything.

These used to be the coolest thing at school. They were up there with, in chronological order, Reebok Pumps, slap bracelets, Pogs and breasts. Now, Hypercolor, look how far you have fallen. It’s a damn shame.

When you buy life insurance for your pet parrot. The man above is named Rob. He sells insurance in Malibu, and he said we can’t say who bought parrot life insurance because he might get sued. But, she’s the crazy, rich lady in Malibu with a parrot on her shoulder. Keep an eye out.

This got us to thinking – thinking “that’s completely psychotic.” So we turned to the interwebs machine to find some other wastes of money for your Hump Day enjoyment.

Want your own pet-surance? We can give you Rob’s number, or you can go here.

Even though your recliner came from the alley, doesn’t mean your cat’s cushion can’t be the cat’s meow.

We never believed in car seats – they’re for the weak-necked. Seat belts, even, are borderline. But, if you want, you can buy one for your tiny, wussy dog.

Now we’re talking. Do unto others, as they’d do unto you and/or a sex toy.

A few of our employees actually applied to be on this show and holy hell are we glad we didn’t. Certainly there is an orchestra of demonic machinations behind the curtains. There must be a nefarious puppet master at work. Everybody is crying and humiliating themselves for money. It’s like a strip club but with less nudity.

A lot happened last night. Shock and awe abounded. If you wanted to, say, go to Target, you couldn't because West Hollywood traffic made you want to shoot yourself in the head. Or, if you wanted to watch Blades of Glory for the 990th time, you couldn't do that either because your roommates were watching the Oscars. Also, Ratatouille won something.

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Glutton for humiliation and famed Hollywood director, George Lucas has decided that there just isn’t enough Star Wars sh*t out there.

"I felt there were a lot more 'Star Wars' stories left to tell," said "Star Wars" creator George Lucas in a statement. "I was eager to start telling some of them through animation and, at the same time, push the animation forward."

He must pay the ultimate price for burning our childhood memories to the ground in a bonfire of ludicrous prequels and cartoons. First person to slay George Lucas gets a free Ripe, Octane, and Flow TV t-shirt! Sizes may vary.

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Those pesky Dutch have published a paper contending that it costs the government less money when people smoke, drink, get fat, and die young.

"It was a small surprise," said Pieter van Baal, an economist at the Netherlands' National Institute for Public Health and the Environment, who led the study. "But it also makes sense. If you live longer, then you cost the health system more."

The article continues to cede that, indeed, the fatties cost more from that ages of 20 to 56. But, after that, they’re dead and it “cost less to treat them in the long run.”

We’re not great with money and math. We’re certainly not doctors. But, we’re willing to go out on a limb and say it’s worth paying for a few extra visits to the hospital so long as, you know, your heart keeps beating.

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Michael Jackson is mounting a comeback! Maybe. Kind of. Well, it’s at least a possibility. He’s said this kind of thing before, but this one is backed by Pepsi (which is delicious) so we tend to lend it credence.

The star is to be honored in a Pepsi commercial, based on the ghoulish Thriller video, which will air during the showdown game between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants on Sunday.
The move is a marketing ploy to promote a special anniversary version of the album - and will be followed by a "major TV, radio, online and outdoor advertising campaign", reports the New York Post.

A Michael Jackson comeback is a perilous proposition. It’s kind of like, yeah, pretty much everybody would love to see Seinfeld back on the air. But you know what? It would probably suck because everybody is older and burned out and you’ve romanticized it so much in your head. Also, they probably all just need money.

Michael Jackson was rad when you were in 5th grade, but so were Pogs. Think about it.

Equally cute Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christiansen stopped frolicking in downy feathers and powdering their prominent cheekbones to make this inadvertently hilarious charity video.

One of the best things in the world is when people satirize themselves. Witness Hayden’s perfect gem:

I live in my jeans. Imagine if you didn’t have any jeans. Or any warm clothes to get you through the winter.

No jeans?! Impossible! Surely this hellish future could never be, Hayden! Tell us you’re joking! Oh, wait…one of your coiffed curls fell out of place. Spritz it back and then talk to us about sending our vintage Reeboks to Darfur.

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Lindsay Lohan is out of cash after a spendy stay in rehab and an even spendier pre-hab party and after party. She’s asking her friends for dough and sleeping with dudes, presumably just to have somewhere to lay down.

In 2005 she was in the Forbes top 100 celebs and was raking in $11 million a picture. Plus magazine covers. Plus TV/Radio. Even if we wanted to, we wouldn’t know where to go to spend that much money. The dollar menu at Wendy’s would surely kill us before we made a dent in our assets!

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He’s certainly not using it, and now it can be yours! Thinking of starting your own nation? The Arabesque arches and surface-to-air missile mountings will be perfect to entertain/vaporize your friends and enemies.

And because the former dictator had reason to be paranoid, the boat has bulletproof glass, closed-circuit television, storage space for a large cache of weapons, including heavy machine guns and surface-to-air missiles, and a secret passage that runs the length of the boat for easy access to a fast patrol boat and a mini-submarine pod for emergency exits.

It can be had for a scant $34 million and has been charmingly renamed “Ocean Breeze.” The decal, though, can be changed easily to something more intimidating like “Doom Banshee” or “Poseidon’s Stun Gun” or "Robo-Zombie-Ninja-Shark."

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Brian Urlacher’s crazy ex wife Tyna Marie Robertson had sex with the Lord of the Dance in a Vegas hotel room. And, like any woman that is between the sheets with the Lord, she was having consensual sex.

Then, she tried to get a little dough out of him by saying he raped her. Oops. He beat that in court, counter-sued for defamation and extortion, and fully pwned her. One assumes the closing arguments were in the form of a dance battle.

A judge ruled in a Los Angeles Superior Court that you shouldn’t eff around with somebody who is Lord of the Dance. The precise wording of judge Michael Stern’s judgment may have differed marginally, but that’s the gist of it. By the numbers: Robertson gives the Lord $11 million.

Best part: The Lord has stated that he’ll donate the 11 million dollars that judge ordered Robertson to pay him to charity. Victory!