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Jimmy Fallon, it was announced (by some press person who works for NBC, most likely), is gonna slide into Conan O’Brien's slot (tee hee) when Conan slides into Leno's.

At least we know SOMEONE will be laughing during the monologue.

And hopefully this will stop him from "starring" in movies. Full story here...

Pauly Shore, erstwhile ermine, former amateur archaeologist of the Paleolithic era and stand-up comedian since, well, birth, recently added a new italicized line item to his business cards – Investigative Journalist. No wait – TIRELESS Investigative Journalist.

Joining the brightly-veneer’d, deeply-closeted and freakishly vainglorious (and sometimes all three) so-called “journos” jockeying for their piece of the Neilson ratings pie, Pauly paid a visit this week to San Angelo, Texas, to wade into the wake of the Yearning for Zion compound raid that now has polygamists alternately jailed and/or crying outside the jail, the 434 children (who can really count them all?) going through the Maury Povich treatment (DNA tests) and the American public passionately pretending to be interested in the “details of sexual abuse” because they’re concerned for these nubile young spiritual brides.

Needless to say, Pauly did not fake the funk. And he’s made no friends about his fellow intrepids. But he wasn’t there to make friends. He was there to find the truth. See for yourself how that went.



PS - YES, this is going to air on RipeTV soon, but that has NOTHING to do with why we’re talking about it. We just like ripping on Lou Dobbs.

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Alright! That title ought to get some hits.

Since Fedor “I now mostly fight pituitary cases” Emelianenko has turned down an offer from the number one MMA promotion in the world (the UFC) and split ways with M-1 after they basically launched on the weight on his name AND now has reportedly been offered a hefty sum and some healthy percentages from the soon-to-be-aired-on-CBS EliteXC, it is high time Ripe TV got in the ring.

Fedor! Big man! Let us tell you why you should head over here as soon as possible and put your signature on a piece of paper.

NUMBER ONE: We know a lot of very cute, very fun women. Many of whom have said they’re looking for an “athletic” guy (number one ass-kicker in the world totally fits that bill), somebody who’s “driven” (training to beat large muscular men up in front of tens of thousands takes quite a bit of drive) and has “sense of humor”. (What’s funnier than punching someone in the face?)

NUMBER TWO: We'll fight you, too, if that has to be part of the package, you big manly man, you.

NUMBER THREE: You can host some shows, if you want. We’re not picky. And we’ll use subtitles if we have to. We’re not afraid.

NUMBER FOUR: If you like ice cream, we'll take you to Mashti Malones. It’ll totally blow your mind.

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The point is this: Ripe TV may not be able to give you the money, but we can give you more than your share of good times.

And yes, Alexsander can come, too. "Eastern Promises" Viggo tattoos and all.

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Joking about bowling-for-delegates fell as flat as every other joke Hillary “Stop Asking Me About Bill” Clinton has ever made, but the resourceful, intelligent and ultimately, destined-to-lose Democratic candidate for the office of President of the United States of America showed the same sort of bold and yet somehow-demeaning-to-all-involved spirit she has throughout her horse race of a campaign with Senator Barack “How You Like Me Now?” Obama.

Yep, she pulled off an up-skirt. Kudos for the courage, Ma’am, to speak to the youth in a language they understand. It’s worked throughout Hollywood to help usher many a woman of integrity and talent from stardom into super-stardom so Clinton gave it a shot. And now, the chips are falling wherever they so chose.

The Clinton Party hopes the super-delegates all have a new wallpaper on their screen today! All the way to White House… commando!

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Pride comes before the fall, they say, and even being an AL Rookie of the Year, AL MVP award and two World Series rings doesn't change things. Former Oakland A and over-‘roided baseball superstar, Jose Canseco, is releasing yet another tome about life in the fast-broke-entitled-and-slightly-mentally-challenged lane. “Vindicated” is the follow up to his 2005 opus “Juiced”, which described more about his reckless and abusive lifestyle than the steroid-tinged baseball career he was most known for.

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“Vindicated” promises to deliver more, ahem, juicy info about illegal substance abuse in the MLB, including callouts of Roger Clemens, Detriot Tigers Outfielder Magglio Ordonez, and the once-hated-now-heralded-by-Yankees-fans golden boy Alex Rodriguez. The tag line reads: "Big Names, Big Liars and The Battle to Save Baseball".

The Battle to Save Baseball?

Maybe everything he writes is true, but given Canseco’s reputation, one has to question his motives. Or better yet – just call them out: his fifteen minutes of fame are up and he needs the money. Why else would rat out your friends? His reputation has far exceeded him. Short of dedicating his life to the homeless, opening an old folks home or finding a cure for AIDS, Jose Canseco will be remembered not for his post-season average or slugging percentage, but for heralding his own bad behavior and selling out his friends to save his own neck.

Enjoy the time working on your next novel, Mr. Conseco. You’ll have plenty of alone time to write it.

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This is probably the best news we’ve heard since, “You are not the father.”

After a recent study found that couples where the man is 4.0 to 5.9 years older than the woman have the most children, “new research has found that in some circumstances a surprisingly large gap—15 years—is the optimum,” for child-bearing relationships.

We just used an exceptionally complicated sentence to say: We’re off the hook for liking younger woman.

Lady: Why don’t you date someone your own age?

Gentleman: Because that would fly in the face of evolution! I want to settle down and have kids. Seriously, I do. It’s just that my DNA forces me to look for a woman 15 years my junior--preferably one with a trust fund and a recipe for bacon vodka.

Lady: There’s no arguing with science!

Gentleman: Or scientologists!

Lady: What?

Gentleman: You’re too old, you wouldn’t understand.

In celebration of this wonderful, wonderful news, here’s a list of May-December romances previously considered creepy by those without the scientific method on their side:

• Jay-Z and Beyonce (11 years)
  
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (16 years)
  
• Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood (19 years)
  
• Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (21 years)
  
• Rod Stewart and Penny Lancaster (25 years)
  
• Donald Trump and Melania Knauss (24 years)
  
• Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas (25 years)
  
• Billy Joel and Kate Lee (28 years)
  

(Actually, these are still pretty creepy.)

When the parents are gone for 7 days some people throw keggers. These people are frat-tastic. Bear in mind, many of us fall in that category, too. We were just so utterly humbled by what these guys did though, that we’ve already started Google-stalking them. We’re gonna be besties, especially with the kid whose arm is already in a sling.

Further, notice how there aren't any ladies in the mix? Not that there's anything wrong with ladies, but we appreciate the certain breed of male that thinks nothing of eschewing romance for the salty kiss of probable injury and adventure. Salute.

super fun happy slide

The Hulk is coming out on June 18th, and uuurraarhgaaaaaAAAAHHH! Sorry. Sorry, the rage/excitement got a hold of us. There hasn’t been much promotion for it, the trailer just hit the net, and the rumor is that it’s because Edward Norton is being a prima donna and demanding more creative control than they want to give him. Whatever. We could not care less. You watch this trailer now. We’re gonna go throw a chair through a car window for fun.

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The mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin of “Chocolate City” fame, announced his full, warm, blushing embrace of the Vagina Monologues celebration, V-Day.

"How am I gonna stand up and say, I'm a 'vagina-friendly' Mayor to these cameras after 'Chocolate City' and some of the other stuff that I've done. But you know what? I'm in."

Indeed, Ray. If nothing else you gotta respect this guy's chutzpah. The celebration is to honor 10 years of fighting violence against women, and Ray Nagin has happily welcomed the vaginas of Oprah Winfrey, Jane Fonda, Glenn Close, Salma Hayeck, Sally Field, and Faith Hill for the event. Hooray for vajayjays!

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Three men perpetraited a totally sweet heist in Switzerland (thought the Swiss Guard were supposed to be good at, ya know, guarding…). They stole 163 million dollars worth of art with, apparently, a single pistol and a white car.

One of the men threatened personnel at the museum's front door with a pistol and forced them to the ground, police said, while the other two men went into an exhibition room and stole four oil paintings by Paul Cezanne, Edgar Degas, Claude Monet and Vincent van Gogh.
Afterward, the three men loaded the paintings -- Monet's "Poppies near Vetheuil," Degas' "Count Lepic and his Daughters," Van Gogh's "Blossoming Chestnut Branches" and Cezanne's "Boy in a Red Vest" -- into a white car parked in front of the museum and then drove off, police said.

It’s really that easy?! We’re going to Rite Aid after this to buy hosiery and the really big permanent markers to use as fake guns. Then, a motley crew of Ripe employees are gonna go down to the local bank where a man with a curly moustache and a monocle will shudder in horror causing the buttons on his herringbone vest to shoot off across the room as we make off with bags of loot stamped with huge, green dollar signs.

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More steps have been taken recently toward quality television programming in the Writer’s Strike with the WGA reaching terms of agreement with four additional filmmakers. The NY Times reports:

The latest agreements with the Writers Guild's east and west units enables the four independent film producers, GreeneStreet Films, This is that corporation, and Killer Films to "resume business immediately," the statement said.
WGA East president Michael Winship called the pacts "a reaffirmation of their dedication to great writing, bold innovation and good old-fashioned, New York City street smarts"

All the filmmakers that settled with the WGA (as you can tell by the weird way the quote ends) were New York and independent so nobody really cares. However, the article continues to allude that actual, real, Hollywood studios may be the next foot to drop. Fingers crossed that it won't happen for a week or two, though. If we read one more book, we’ll be eligible for a free personal pan pizza!

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Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert were full-on lesbots at the New York club Tenjune on Tuesday night. That is awesome. Really awesome. Us reports:

Paris Hilton and actress Elisha Cuthbert were "all over each other and making out" at New York's Tenjune club Tuesday night, a source tells Usmagazine.com.

Can’t say we’re super surprised considering Paris’s slatternly history and Elisha’s foxy new do.

This picture, though, would get a lot better if we could de-imagine Paris from it. Elisha has been in “Girl Next Door,” and she was Kim Bauer! She remodeled our lives in those performances. Paris was in her own sex tape and a sh*tty horror movie, House of Wax.

Whatever. As long as when they’re doing it, Paris is on top so we can’t see her face, everything is kosher.

Via Defamer

If anybody can speak to why this is happening, let us know. Until then, follow this link, and type in “heath ledger is dead.” Then hit translate from English to Spanish.

Maybe it's some warped Google employee's 20 percent time.

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NY Times is reporting that Heath Ledger was found dead in his bed by his housekeeper at 3:35 pm today. The police aren’t reporting any foul play, and that "pills" were found near the body. Ledger’s daughter is two, and he is survived by his ex fiancé Michelle Williams.

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If you don’t know how this works, people that think print isn’t dead try really hard to keep their news as fresh as possible. One of the ways they do this is by pre-writing celebrity obituaries for people they think have a good chance of dieing soon. They’ve got files and files of undead celebrities obituaries ready to roll.

And, now, 26-year old Britney Spears has joined the ranks of the zombies-on-paper living on the walls of the Associated Press headquarters.

TMZ spoke to AP Entertainment Editor Jesse Washington who confirmed the news. Washington told Us Weekly, "We would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now, but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared."

We just wish we could read the hairy details. Do they have multiple scenarios drawn up? Are they prepared if she hijacks a semitrailer full of rhesus monkeys to make a run for Mexico? What if she passes peacefully in her sleep because she’s consumed 90% of her body weight in Valium?

Rough estimate: Britney Spears obituary scenarios, if laid end-to-end, would travel to the moon and back thrice. Discuss.