Ripe TV

Pauly Shore, erstwhile ermine, former amateur archaeologist of the Paleolithic era and stand-up comedian since, well, birth, recently added a new italicized line item to his business cards – Investigative Journalist. No wait – TIRELESS Investigative Journalist.

Joining the brightly-veneer’d, deeply-closeted and freakishly vainglorious (and sometimes all three) so-called “journos” jockeying for their piece of the Neilson ratings pie, Pauly paid a visit this week to San Angelo, Texas, to wade into the wake of the Yearning for Zion compound raid that now has polygamists alternately jailed and/or crying outside the jail, the 434 children (who can really count them all?) going through the Maury Povich treatment (DNA tests) and the American public passionately pretending to be interested in the “details of sexual abuse” because they’re concerned for these nubile young spiritual brides.

Needless to say, Pauly did not fake the funk. And he’s made no friends about his fellow intrepids. But he wasn’t there to make friends. He was there to find the truth. See for yourself how that went.



PS - YES, this is going to air on RipeTV soon, but that has NOTHING to do with why we’re talking about it. We just like ripping on Lou Dobbs.

Source
Looking to get your learn on but don’t feel like dealing with stuff like books, driving, dorms or, you know, people? Well online college is definitely your bag. Using your laptop and the World Wide Web, you now have the opportunity to earn a degree without leaving your own boudoir. Literally. This could open a lot of doors for those of us who aren’t socially inclined. Anyone for E-hazing in cyberfrats and sororities? Who needs campus life when you can take your LSATs AND watch reruns of “Law & Order” whilst blazing up in your living room?

According to Attorney Robert A. McPhail, “Getting a college degree online is dumb.” When asked why, he replied: “Because no one in the real world will take you seriously.” But real college is such a hassle, dude. A degree’s a degree. Who’s gonna know you graduated with a major in biochemical engineering with ZERO hours of lab time?

And besides, we've still got SO MUCH work to do to get our Wii bowling average past 250.

Source

Iron Mike Tyson, after declaring bankruptcy in 2003, has decided to make the only practical decision in his blood-soaked, rage-laced, tattooed, terrifying life and sell his Bentley.

It’s a 1999 Bentley SC Continental and goes 0-60 in 6 seconds. It can go 155 miles per hour and it’s got a removable glass roof.

Iron Mike has a full Bentley service history, so he can prove beyond a doubt the hooker sweat and self-loathing have been scrubbed out of the lamb’s wool carpets. Buy it now off Autotrader for only 135,000 British pounds!

Source

In Birmingham, a man is on trial for poking UK resident Sophie Sladden too much. But not with his wiener.

Michael Hurst, 33, of Edgbaston, has pleaded not guilty to harassing ex-girlfriend Sophie Sladden. Appearing before magistrates, he was granted conditional bail to stand trial later in March, The Birmingham Mail reports.
He is accused of a breach of the Harassment Act 1997 when he used Facebook to contact Sladden on 21 January.

Does this mean we can prosecute for getting “Which Sex and the City character are you” applications sent to us? Or should we just resort to the old standard of sending tubgirl links in reply? We’re no lawyers…please advise.

On her talk show, she demanded that the front row of her audience take off their jeans, then assured them that they wouldn’t be alone. She, too, was going to disrobe.

Tyra stripped off her pants, an ominous glint in her hungry eyes. At that point, we blacked out. When we woke up we had bruises on our arms and our shirts were on inside out. Yes. We were raped by Tyra Banks. And you’re about to be…

Via Defamer

If anybody can speak to why this is happening, let us know. Until then, follow this link, and type in “heath ledger is dead.” Then hit translate from English to Spanish.

Maybe it's some warped Google employee's 20 percent time.

Source

Britney Spears is being ordered by Gotham City lawman, Commissioner Gordon, to undergo a psych evaluation. This is because Commissioner Gordon has eyes, and has laid them upon Britney Spears.

We're told the Commish has issued multiple orders -- known as a 730 evaluation. Now, as we just reported, Brit's family and professionals have devised a plan to get her mental health help in a "creative way." But given his previous orders, the Commish may not be receptive, and almost certainly K-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, will object.

When you’ve dealt with the Penguin, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze and a whole host of other psychotic super villains, it’s safe to say you knows your crazy like the label on a bottle of psychotropic drugs. Which is to say, “very well.” Britney better listen up, or face the wrath of The Bat.

A friend once said, “Never underestimate the power of the true believer.” The context, though, was much more serious. In the next 10 seconds he went on a 4-player kill streak in Halo 3 multiplayer. Awe inspiring.

The video above is of him and was shown at a Scientology award ceremony. And shows Tom Cruise being a true believer in a much more innocuous and funny way. He thinks Scientology is something more than just hilarious. Here’s our favorite quote in which he proves himself wrong.

We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind, we are the authority on improving conditions [unintelligible]. We can rehabilitate criminals’ way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures.

There are also a host of non-sequitur bursts of hysterical laughter which underscore how truly nipple-twistingly crazy he is, so that’s nice.

Hey, we’re not here to tear down an entire thought-system. We don’t have that kind of time. Maybe after Valentine’s Day. For now just enjoy crazy for the sake of crazy.

Buy it here

A company called Brando workshop developed this kind of creepy but also very awesome product: a cell phone telescope. It turns your RAZR or KRZR into a much better and much more stalkerish camera.

It comes with a neck strap, a new battery cover, and an awkward leer. It’ll cost you $20 US.

Source

And he really, really deserves it.

The creepy guy who walked right into Nicolas Cage's Newport Beach house, dropped trou (and everything else), and put on Nic's leather jacket -- plead guilty to stalking -- ya think? -- and is going to have to do six months of rehab.

That’s pretty bad. But, on second thought, if every time anybody at Ripe walked into a party with their pants around their ankles WE were thrown in jail, there’d be no blog to make fun of the people who did. So I suppose can’t judge too harshly.

Source

Kevin Federline’s lawyering team has issued a quickie restraining order on the matriarch of madness, B. Spears.

Called an "emergency protective order," it is enforced for five business days. Officers did it to "stabilize the situation," confirmed Kevin Federline's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan.

We’re not exactly legal professionals, nor are we psychiatrists, but we’d bet our honorary University of Phoenix anthropology degrees that it’s going to take a helluva lot longer than five business days to “stabilize the situation.”

Britney Spears is like the War in Iraq. We wish we would've never gotten in there, or at least pulled out early (right, KFed?) But, if we as a culture pull out now, there will only be disastrous, worldwide, and possibly nuclear consequences.

Source

Last night Britterbear was supposed to surrender custody of her two kids to ex-husband K-Fed. There’s really only one way anybody could’ve expected that to go down.

Britney waged a Freeman-style standoff in her poo-stained bathroom holding her own children hostage oscilating wildly entertaingly between “hysterics and laughter.”

Police were originally called to Spears' Studio City home just after 8 p.m. Thursday night as Spears reportedly locked herself in a room of her home with one-year-old Jayden James and refused to hand him over to Federline's bodyguards, as stipulated by court order. She was supposed to return to children to Federline's care at 7.

The next 72 hours of suicide watch are going to be fun. Aside from the medical interest we have in the impending diagnosis of Britney as a robot warrior with blown circuitry, it’ll be weird to see what she’s acting like when she’s not gobbling 17% of her body weight (120 pounds) in pills every day.

Source

Alcides Moreno plunged 47 stories that morning last month, clinging to his 3-foot-wide window washer’s platform as it shot down the dark glass face of an Upper East Side apartment building. His brother Edgar, who had been working with him, was killed when the platform landed.

Wow. Remind anybody else of anything?

This dude fell 47 stories and is expected to make a full recovery in about a year. Too bad this guy is married!

Girl in Bar: Where’d you get that scar?
Moreno: I fell 500 feet out a building. Want to go home with me?
Girl in Bar (swooning): Yes. Yes I do.

Another great part of the story, though, is the wife. The dude wakes up for the first time from his coma and – reaching for his wife – touches the face of the nurse. His wife moved his hand and said “You’re not supposed to do that. I’m your wife, you touch your wife.” Criminy! I just get home…been falling through the ether all day long…and already she’s nagging at me!

Source

Sigh. We hate to indirectly advocate statutory rape, but this is pretty awesome. It's pretty tragic, too. It’s “trawesome” if you will, and trust us, you will.

So Casey Aldridge isn’t the father of Jamie-Lynn’s baby. Fair enough. That’s crazy, but it’s within the neon green borders of crazy that float on balloons shaped like diet pills and Starbucks mochaccinos that enclose the Spears Dynasty.

We’ll get to who the dad is in a minute, but Casey is no longer dating Jamie-Lynn because, it’s being reported, he cheated on her and had a pregnancy scare with some other non-Spears, presumably poor-by-comparison broad. THAT is crazy, but for the sake of argument, we'll assume it was worth it.

Now, we get to the meat, Casey is allegedly being paid off to act as father because the real father is over 18 and, if he came forward, could be charged with statutory rape! Happy holidays!

The magazine quotes "two separate Spears family insiders" who believe the father is someone who works on Jamie Lynn's kids' show. "Jamie Lynn has been working on Zoey since she was 13," one of the sources said. "In Hollywood, little girls grow up fast, and she is no exception.

The end is nigh. Within one year Jamie-Lynn and Britterbug are going to collapse in on themselves like dieing stars and explode in a sugary super nova of celbretardation and glitter. We just hope we're clear of the blast radius when it happens.

Source

Damon Dash is the former chief of Roc-A-Fella Records and is being sued by an Atlanta woman, Jamie Roberts, for flashing her his “genital area” in a club and attempting to force oral sex on her. He did this by using the urethra ghosts he controls with his mind to tell her what to do.

A complaint filed in Manhattan Supreme Court says the encounter left the woman - who admits to suffering from schizophrenia and bipolar disorder - hearing Dash's voice in her ear "giving her certain instructions to follow."

She’s only asking for 30,000 dollars so she’ll probably get it. That’s the equivalent of our throwing Canadian pennies at the homeless for our entertainment to an exec like Dash, especially one who has such a cool last name AND the ability to manipulate the spirit world at will.