Ripe TV

Source
On April 5th, 2008, in a ShoXC event filled with controversy, Shayna “Queen of Spades” Baszler submitted Japanese former pro-wrestler Keiko “Tama Chan” Tamai in the first round of their MMA match-up. Despite Tamai’s raided-from-the-closet-of-Rainbow-Brite/Sanrio-Core outfit and a nickname borrowed from either, a) a beloved bearded seal of Tokyo or this little yummy fellow, she got smacked around, suplex’d and then tapped out on a side neck crank just past two minutes into the first round.

To the delight of the crowd, each crushing blow to the side of Tama Chan’s head sent sparkles across her vision and rainbows out of her nostrils and ears.

P.S. - Shayna, come do a show with Ripe TV. We’ll let you beat up every animated childhood icon we can rustle out of rehab.

Source

We'd like to take a moment to celebrate the retirement of Skip Hall, 63, who, until March 22nd, was the oldest MMA fighter on planet earth*. Hall was a golden gloves boxer, served tours of duty in Vietnam, Korea and the Philippines, was a powerlifter and runs a martial arts school. And, obviously, has got the whole bad ass thing down pat. Hall says he will now focus on his teaching, spending more time with his wife, Sally, and start selling straws of his high-test semen on the internet.

Update: Finally posted the last fight online. Ol’ Skip lost. Anyone wanna buy a straw for 50 bucks?



* (The oldest MMA fighter, omnigalactically, is Krang Tttsskrch, 4489 years of age). Source

Source

Alright! That title ought to get some hits.

Since Fedor “I now mostly fight pituitary cases” Emelianenko has turned down an offer from the number one MMA promotion in the world (the UFC) and split ways with M-1 after they basically launched on the weight on his name AND now has reportedly been offered a hefty sum and some healthy percentages from the soon-to-be-aired-on-CBS EliteXC, it is high time Ripe TV got in the ring.

Fedor! Big man! Let us tell you why you should head over here as soon as possible and put your signature on a piece of paper.

NUMBER ONE: We know a lot of very cute, very fun women. Many of whom have said they’re looking for an “athletic” guy (number one ass-kicker in the world totally fits that bill), somebody who’s “driven” (training to beat large muscular men up in front of tens of thousands takes quite a bit of drive) and has “sense of humor”. (What’s funnier than punching someone in the face?)

NUMBER TWO: We'll fight you, too, if that has to be part of the package, you big manly man, you.

NUMBER THREE: You can host some shows, if you want. We’re not picky. And we’ll use subtitles if we have to. We’re not afraid.

NUMBER FOUR: If you like ice cream, we'll take you to Mashti Malones. It’ll totally blow your mind.

Source

The point is this: Ripe TV may not be able to give you the money, but we can give you more than your share of good times.

And yes, Alexsander can come, too. "Eastern Promises" Viggo tattoos and all.

Source

Source

On March 26, 2008, Doug “The Rhino” Marshall gave his all for the troops. Marhsall, in a heroic and truly patriotic move, ceded his WEC light heavyweight title to Brian Stann by way of knockout. Saluting the red, white and blue with a moistness in the eye and an up-thrust chin that took a nasty left hook from Stann, who accepted a commission as an officer in the United States Marine Corps in 2003 and served two tours in Iraq, earning the Silver Star for bravery in combat in 2005. Marshall marshaled some bravery of his own by giving back to the troops, giving what was most valuable to him, the World Extreme Cagefighting light heavyweight belt. We should all look to how we can contribute to these brave men and women.

Speaking with the press after the fight, Marshall, holding a bag of peas fresh from the freezer against the right side of his jawline, said:

"I think it’s important we honor the men and women who are willing to give their lives to protect us. I’ve been thinking long and hard about it throughout my 6 months of training for this fight – the 3 times a day in the gym, the diet regimen, the abstaining from sex, the grueling weight-cut near the end there – and came up with the plan with my team. They weren’t on board at first. But they came around. Those guys, the troops, like Brian Stann, really are getting a raw deal dying for no good reason at all in a country that never attacked us… but I wanted everyone to know they’re still appreciated.”

Marshall then spat blood and what looked like a tooth into a bucket held by one of his corner-man, who refused to meet his eye. “I think I did the right thing. Hoo-ah!”

Source

In Rome, a priest participating in a church-sponsored football (the Euro kind with round, chequed balls) match was possessed by rage when an Italian referee made what, in his divine wisdom, he classified as a questionable call.

A footballing priest has been sent off in a church tournament for throwing his shirt at the referee, Italian media reported Sunday.

It gets so much better, though. Instead of taking back his actions, apologizing, or maybe repenting (rimshot), he issued to following statement regarding the grave and unsettling trespasses:

"We are retiring the team," Franco De Rose told Italy's ANSA news service. "We are tired of having to submit to injustices every Sunday."

Source

Marion Jones, the former Olympic sprinter and former Olympic gold medalist is now a current member of a Texas federal prison. She’s in for lying to federal prosecutors about her steroid use, and her sentence is 6 months in the slammer, 2 years of probation, and 800 hours of community service.

She got off so lucky. She breaks some major laws and damns her own career forever and all she has to do is stay in a women’s prison? Isn’t it all tickle fights and breathless experimentation? Ugh. We need to go do some steroids and start down the path that Miss Jones is paving.

Tragedy washes through the land of milk and honey cheese. Fans of the Green Bay Packers are being bowled over and eviscerated (emotionally) in the wake of the Great Brett Favre’s retirement. Here’s what one fan said in Green Bay.

"I'm looking for any sort of hope in my life to keep going. (I had) no school today, I'm surprised the university didnt cancel classes but we'll rebound hopefully," John Schaeve says.

Favre is the current holder of several NFL records including but not limited to “most career touchdown passes” and “most career victories.” His already-legendary career spanned 16 years and he’s also just a hell of a nice guy. Later, Brett Favre. Have a good one.

It’s Monday, but hey, it could be worse. Just check out Kevin Borseth and his complete and utter meltdown following his loss to Wisconsin. Makes you feel better when you’re worst problem is the lack of non-dairy creamer in the break room.

The Duke mascot, The Blue Devil, is the worst mascot in history for a number or reasons. The most recent and best reason, though, is that he was unable to sustain an 8-inch freefall off a surfboard. Not only that, he cried giant foam-rubber tears like a little girly-mascot instead of saving his caterwauling for when he's really hurt.

Via With Leather

For those of you too young or too un-hip to remember, Slamball is the greatest sport ever invented since the dawn of time. It’s like basketball, but full contact and with trampolines. We’ll give you a minute to reread that sentence and until you can reign in your own incredulity.

SlamBall redux? The hybrid basketball-gymnastics extreme sport that had a short life on Spike in 2002 and 2003 is being resurrected for a “showcase” season to be taped in June with expectations of selling eight franchises before 2009.

Rock! This is the best news we’ve heard in years. This is better than the moon landing. The reason: sure you can jump pretty high on the moon, but they don’t have any basketball courts or opponents to smash up there so it doesn’t matter.

“I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.” – Grandma’s Boy

Live your fantasy now, fanboy. It’s called Powerbocking (because it’s British, foppish, and nonsensical), and it’s done with jumping stilts. It looks dangerous and fun like Amsterdam. It it can be had for 170 British pounds.

Sorry for two Marissa Miller posts in one day. Here's your second Marissa post of the day. She trains by boxing to keep herself looking like a forest fire. We managed to keep blood flowing to our heads (the ones above shoulder level) until the following quote. Then we passed out. Maybe you can make it to the end of the video.

“I’m really happy that I started boxing and training and doing this sport. It’s changed my body. I’m a lot tighter.”

More pics here

Kudos to SI on this one. Marissa is everything a sports illustrated swimsuit model should be. Indeed, she’s got a supernatural body that seems to circumvent the fabric of the universe in its hotness. Traditional laws of gravity appear not to apply to her boobs.

But, more importantly, she epitomizes the “sports” in SI. She’s a better surfer than you are, and when she’s not having her body painted, she’s way into classic muscle cars and football. Too bad she's dating this guy.

Source

Willie Andrews, in the wake of his crushing defeat in the Super Bowl, was arrested near the University of Massachusetts with “a significant amount” of marijuana on his person.

Willie is 24, he’s a graduate of Baylor, and is no stranger to the criminal justice system. Here’s a fun story about Willie and Texas.

When he was growing up in Texas, where they love God, football and the state so much that they braid them together, he was arrested for having a pistol in the trunk of his car. Oops.

Luckily for Willie (then and probably now) he’s real good at football. So, law doesn’t apply to him. He was let out of jail having served only a third of his sentence in Texas because preseason training had begun. It remains yet to be seen how little of his current sentence he’ll actually serve.

If you’re reading this blog in hopes of video of the Bowl, you’re out of luck. We tried to post something without the express written consent of the National Football League and a gameball-shaped grenade rolled through the front door and blew up the monitor of our former employee, Ricky. If you want text of the actual game, go here.

Taking a different approach, we’ll discuss our favorite part of the game: the ads. It was a pretty middling year for ads with a few standout gems. Go here to see them all, or just watch the best one below. Man, those Bud Light fellas are real men of genius.