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It took the Yearbook Club three days to decide which headline to place on Scotty and Annabelle’s (and little pre-born Trace!) picture.

It came down to these three:

1) Most Likely to Trade Firstborn for carton of Kools
2) Most Stylish Couple ( from Mr. Govkowski, the Yearbook Supervisor – lame!)
3) Cutest Brother & Sister

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Joking about bowling-for-delegates fell as flat as every other joke Hillary “Stop Asking Me About Bill” Clinton has ever made, but the resourceful, intelligent and ultimately, destined-to-lose Democratic candidate for the office of President of the United States of America showed the same sort of bold and yet somehow-demeaning-to-all-involved spirit she has throughout her horse race of a campaign with Senator Barack “How You Like Me Now?” Obama.

Yep, she pulled off an up-skirt. Kudos for the courage, Ma’am, to speak to the youth in a language they understand. It’s worked throughout Hollywood to help usher many a woman of integrity and talent from stardom into super-stardom so Clinton gave it a shot. And now, the chips are falling wherever they so chose.

The Clinton Party hopes the super-delegates all have a new wallpaper on their screen today! All the way to White House… commando!

There’s two major things wrong with this picture. One is that the guy being, um, “enfolded” by Sienna Miller is named Rhys Ifans and usually looks like this.

The other, and more important, thing that’s wrong is, well, just look at the book. That’s so upsetting to our fantasy land. When on a yacht with a super-foxy actress, if there’s a book, shouldn’t it be something a little more grandiose or hot like “The Odyssey” or “Kama Sutra” untranslated? We hate to see waste on so many levels. Al Gore's sense of righteous indignation must be tingling.

This seems like it could only work as a bar trick. If somebody came into our home looking like this guy — sporting a rolled up sleeves and a haircut from 1992 — we'd feel obligated to punch him right in the throat.

However, if we saw this at a bar after one drink for each of the flaming dice we'd pee ourselves and throw every bit of foldin' money we had at the bartender. As for seeing it on a blog...well, who's to say we're not wasted right now?

On America’s Next Top Model last night, Tyra made all the girls wear meat in a photo shoot. We’re disallowed by our masculinity from watching the show, so we can’t offer any explanation for Tyra’s reasoning behind this other than to say “reason” and “Tyra” are mutually exclusive terms.

For now, ponder if you will the beef bra on this special lady. And, further, ask yourself: would you put that in your mouth?

Larry King had Janet Jackson on last Friday and she tried to teach him to dance in order to win back respect as well as his partition of the hood. What transpired was pretty awful/awfully hilarious. Thank goodness there were no wardrobe malfunctions on either side of the desk, though.

On her talk show, she demanded that the front row of her audience take off their jeans, then assured them that they wouldn’t be alone. She, too, was going to disrobe.

Tyra stripped off her pants, an ominous glint in her hungry eyes. At that point, we blacked out. When we woke up we had bruises on our arms and our shirts were on inside out. Yes. We were raped by Tyra Banks. And you’re about to be…

It was Tito Ortiz’s birthday over the weekend, and he spent it at the Cathouse in Vegas. Jenna Jameson, his creepy, creepy girlfriend, jumped out of a cake to surprise him and terrify everybody else.

If Jenna Jameson was selling that cake from the restaurant of her lingerie-clad body, the health code rating would be a solid K. That is not technically a rating at this point, but inspectors would smell the dockyard stench of her nether regions and invent it solely to protect the public.

A thought: Perhaps Tito Ortiz’s ability to “eat her cake,” as it were, is where he gains his superhuman strength?

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In Tasmania, a man staying at a hotel was delivered a human eyeball by a taxi cab driver. There’s a number of things wrong with this picture.

‘`The guy left with me with a box with an eyeball in it,'' he said.
``He got the box and signed for it and opened it in the middle of the night.
``I thought this is just too weird. I went and put it in the fridge because I didn't know what else to do with it. It was more than a little disconcerting.''

1. Why did a taxi cab driver have an eyeball? Don’t taxis generally carry entire humans?
2. Why did he deliver it in the middle of the night? While that is a perfectly appropriate time to do it if you KNOW you’re delivering a severed human eyeball, he did not know.
3. What’s with the grammar in the first line of the quote?
4. We’re never going to Tasmania.

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The Discovery Channel made a deal with Oprah that will likely end in at least three strokes here at Ripe TV. They’re offering their Discovery Health Channel up to Oprah’s ravenous jaws. It will be renamed OWN, which stands for (sickeningly) the Oprah Winfrey Network.

"For me, the launch of 'The Oprah Winfrey Network' is the evolution of the work I've been doing on television all these years and a natural extension of my (syndicated daytime) show," Winfrey said in a statement.
The 50-50 venture's stated mission will be "to entertain, inform and inspire people to live their best lives."

Doubtful mission statement, Oprah. We say your closest bet is going to be inspiring people to despicable acts of violence or to read mediocre books because they have your sticker on them.

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Jamie Oliver, also known as the naked chef, is going to cut up a dead British guy that weighs 25 stones because the British use weird weights and measures.

As far as why Jamie Oliver is choosing to cut him up, he says it’s to shock viewers into living a healthier lifestyle and making smarter culinary choices.

The TV chef teams up with celebrity surgeon Gunther von Hagens for the gruesome autopsy on the anonymous corpse. On Channel 4 show Eat To Save Your Life - on Wednesday at 10pm - Jamie, 32, tells viewers: "This all stems from shoving s*** in your mouth. This man ate himself to death."

Is it disturbing to anybody else that a chef is doing the slicing and dicing of a human corpse for entertainment? See readers? Cannibalism can be fun!

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Hopefully this post will cover all our Britney bases so that we don’t have to revisit her for at least 12 hours (estimated time until her next nonsensical outburst/apocalyptic meltdown).

People is reporting that the blood tests from when Britney was hospitalized were completely negative – that she was not under the influence of anything but the chaotic machinations of her pinwheel-shaped mind.

Britney Spears tested free of illegal drugs and alcohol during her two-night stay at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, a reliable source tells PEOPLE.
"She tested clean," the source says. "This lady is as clean as clean can be, and has been for some time."

NY Post is reporting that Britney was full of enough substances to tranquilize this before her mental breakdown.

Blitzed-out Britney Spears downed a potentially lethal cocktail of 100 prescription pills - and washed it down with a "Purple Monster" mix of vodka, NyQuil and Red Bull - before her mental meltdown, sources said.

The final, slutty icing on the cake is that there may be even more scandalous photos of Britney emerging from her “only friend in the world,” the paparazzo named Adnan Ghalib.

But reports are coming out of America that Ghalib, whose Brummie father used to run a clothing business, has been trying to broker a million-dollar deal for exclusive photos of Britney in her secret hideaway.

What'll the pics look like? This seems about right:

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Ivanka Trump – the hottest piece of millionaire, blonde babe on the planet – revealed to the NY Times recently that she’s all about having fun, and sleeping with a bunch of guys and is a total freak in the sack. Kind of. That’s a paraphrase…

"I'm 26," the devoted daughter of the Donald and his ex, Ivana Trump, tells The New York Times in a new profile, "and I tell myself, 'Why not have a little fun with that?' "

In the ripcurl of the emerging wave of feminine empowerment, we’d like to offer a collective “Hell Yeah,” and offer our home econocomical services to Ivanka and any other wealthy, busty ladies who are looking to have a little fun. We can be reached at our Hollywood offices.

Serious inquiries only.

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Brendan Fraser, or as he will forever be known in these parts, “Encino Man” has split with his wife of nine years, Afton. Also, he wears a wig now. Rawr.

All of this adds up to him probably cheating on his wife and if he hasn’t, he’s planning on it.

We say this without judgment. In fact, we applaud his amorous efforts. You wouldn’t drive a car from 1998 if you could afford a new one. Why would you want a wife from then?

And, also, due to his wig-wearing, we can reasonably assume he’s attached psychologically to the idea of youth. Which makes us fairly certain that Brendan Frazer, in fact, is the father of Jamie-Lynn’s baby. Congratulations Tarzan!

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We’ve been wondering how Santa has been delivering presents to the oft-neglected mer-communities of our planet’s oceans.

A “missing link” creature has been recently discovered that suggests whales have descended from ungulates (those are deer and deer-like things…like your mom).

"As a zoo animal, it looks nothing like a whale," Thewissen said. But, he added, when it comes to anatomical features, the Indohyus "is quite strikingly like one."

The Ripe TV archeological department has cooperated with the broadband team to bring you a very sexy rendition of the missing link creature seen below.