Ripe TV

Source

Joking about bowling-for-delegates fell as flat as every other joke Hillary “Stop Asking Me About Bill” Clinton has ever made, but the resourceful, intelligent and ultimately, destined-to-lose Democratic candidate for the office of President of the United States of America showed the same sort of bold and yet somehow-demeaning-to-all-involved spirit she has throughout her horse race of a campaign with Senator Barack “How You Like Me Now?” Obama.

Yep, she pulled off an up-skirt. Kudos for the courage, Ma’am, to speak to the youth in a language they understand. It’s worked throughout Hollywood to help usher many a woman of integrity and talent from stardom into super-stardom so Clinton gave it a shot. And now, the chips are falling wherever they so chose.

The Clinton Party hopes the super-delegates all have a new wallpaper on their screen today! All the way to White House… commando!

Source

The mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin of “Chocolate City” fame, announced his full, warm, blushing embrace of the Vagina Monologues celebration, V-Day.

"How am I gonna stand up and say, I'm a 'vagina-friendly' Mayor to these cameras after 'Chocolate City' and some of the other stuff that I've done. But you know what? I'm in."

Indeed, Ray. If nothing else you gotta respect this guy's chutzpah. The celebration is to honor 10 years of fighting violence against women, and Ray Nagin has happily welcomed the vaginas of Oprah Winfrey, Jane Fonda, Glenn Close, Salma Hayeck, Sally Field, and Faith Hill for the event. Hooray for vajayjays!

Source

After failing in his bid for the presidency, Stephen Colbert has turned his cultural bulldozer toward the Smithsonian museum where his portrait of a portrait of a portrait now hangs.

His portrait was hung Wednesday at the Smithsonian Institution's National Portrait Gallery in Washington for a six-week showing in what the museum considers an "appropriate place" — right between the bathrooms near the "America's Presidents" exhibit. Museum officials stress it's only temporary.

Between the bathrooms?! That’s not funny. He should be blown up in front of the museum and on banners flying on each of its corners. The Smithsonian should know that effective comedy must violate or otherwise contradict established societal norms through expository material (actions, images, and/or dialogue). Silly portraits in silly places are expected not disruptive. Idiots.

Buy it here.

We’ve field tested previous USB missile launchers before, and while they’re fairly entertaining, they lack an element of stealthy doom that we so love in office warfare.

Inevitably, you have to lure your target near your desk under some ridiculous pretense, and then get them to not notice when you bring your targeting system up onscreen.

Target: What did you want me over here for?
You: Oh I was just wondering if you would take a look at the other side of my desk for about 6 seconds.
Target: What’s that buzzing sound?

Now, though, with the wireless USB launcher, you can strategically place your missiles and then deploy them for your desk (command center) on the unwitting target. Welcome to the next generation of tomfoolery.

Source

The NY Times is reporting that (who cares) the CIA destroyed some tapes where they kinda sorta maybe tortured a few people they suspected were terrorists. If there’s another way to learn something other than torture, we’d like to know what the hell it is, NY Times.

They were destroyed in part because officers were concerned that tapes documenting controversial interrogation methods could expose agency officials to greater risk of legal jeopardy, several officials said.

Sounds good to us. Nobody wants that sh*t floating around. The Sept. 11 Committee actually even asked for any tapes of that nature, but these were not handed over. A law prof. named Dan Marcus said that it might amount to obstruction of justice.

You know what it didn’t amount to? Obstruction of terrorist boffin’. Ripe TV and the CIA are united against freedom haters! Boo on you, Internal Affairs!

Jenna Bush was on Ellen to talk about something. Doesn’t matter what. And Ellen, devious she-plotter that she is, devised a scheme to get the President on the line.

And it worked! She bypassed layer upon layer of national security and directly contacted the Prez. Ellen may be a terrorist.

Either way, we do approve of Bush’s love for his daughter and of his holiday greetings for the crowd. And, since we base our vote on who would be most comfortable to have a beer egg nog with, we guess we’re republicans now.

via the blemish

Former gubernatorial candidate and, more notably, former porn star Mary Carey is clean, sober, and a sell-out (pun intended).

She’s had her breast implants removed after a stint in rehab and is now auctioning them off on eBay!

“Now that I’m sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state,” said Carey. “I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas.”

That’s the spirit, Mary. Do we get a discount since we voted for you*?

*Technically, we wrote in "Mary Carey's Juggs."