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Pauly Shore, erstwhile ermine, former amateur archaeologist of the Paleolithic era and stand-up comedian since, well, birth, recently added a new italicized line item to his business cards – Investigative Journalist. No wait – TIRELESS Investigative Journalist.

Joining the brightly-veneer’d, deeply-closeted and freakishly vainglorious (and sometimes all three) so-called “journos” jockeying for their piece of the Neilson ratings pie, Pauly paid a visit this week to San Angelo, Texas, to wade into the wake of the Yearning for Zion compound raid that now has polygamists alternately jailed and/or crying outside the jail, the 434 children (who can really count them all?) going through the Maury Povich treatment (DNA tests) and the American public passionately pretending to be interested in the “details of sexual abuse” because they’re concerned for these nubile young spiritual brides.

Needless to say, Pauly did not fake the funk. And he’s made no friends about his fellow intrepids. But he wasn’t there to make friends. He was there to find the truth. See for yourself how that went.



PS - YES, this is going to air on RipeTV soon, but that has NOTHING to do with why we’re talking about it. We just like ripping on Lou Dobbs.

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Millions of men of the kept and hoping-to-soon-be-kept variety let out a collective cry of panic yesterday as the latest endangered species list was released. Sitting at number four on the list to be functionally extinct by 2020… the North American cougar. *

A cougar, as defined by Wikipedia, is “an older woman, usually in her 30s-40s who sexually pursues younger men in their 20's or early 30's.” They’re kind of like the female equivalent of the dirty old men, the lecherous rich guy, etc.

Without this species, many an attractive and fit man will not be able to exercise their Oedipal demons, afford the designer clothing that fits their taut forms so snugly or take advantage of high-priced cocktails that might feature muddled whatever and perhaps even elderflower liquor. Except during happy hour. And that, to these now-panicked men, is unacceptable.

Brody (last name withheld by request), a 23 year-old part-time model who resides in a small one-bedroom in Brentwood, CA, expressed the feelings that are spiraling through his whole caste “It’s, like, messed up. I don’t know what the EPA or the CIA or TLC can do anything about this. It’s just… I can’t always swing rent on my own. And if a fine filly who reminds me of my mom wants to make-out and help me out, what’s wrong with that?”&sbsp;

Oh, wait. It’s just these kind? Damn. Until they buy our pretty ass a drink, we’re not lifting a finger.

* See story here...

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There’s Anti-Emo riots raging through Mexico. Reports of an 800-strong posse when on a search-and-destroy mission on, well, the Emo-core crew, Iwe're guessing. So now the persecuted are holding rallys and what-not. In related news, a goth-y couple got beaten, one to death, in the UK, by a small pack of thug-life uncool Britains.

All 'cause of being pierced, eye-linered and given to don some retro clothing and—shudder—bangs.

Wait, it’s cause of “anti-gay” sentiments? Who hates gays anymore? That's like being viciously anti-Whig. Well, if The Smiths* are still the biggest band in the world to some people, folks can cling to anything…

Thank God these people don’t live in LA where it’s nigh on impossible to separate the Goths from the waiters who work night shifts, the emo from the more-sullen-of-the-80s-revivalists, the Morrisey Mexicans from the Stray Cats-lovers from Sao Paulo, the homeless from the between-films serious actors. Who do you hit? Who DON’T you?

Who has the energy to muster up more vehemence against these folks other than an eye-roll's worth? And if so, are they sponsored by Monster Java or Sobe No Fear yet?



What’s worst of all is now these kids have to stick up for themselves. When what they’re supposed to be doing is scrawling poems on walls with their mom's lipstick or singing songs about heartbreak in a barely-audible mumble.

Read the story here… And the other one here…

*p.s. Yes, The Smiths are awesome. Please don't organize, mascara running down in tear-streaked rivulets, outside of the Ripe offices.

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Alright! That title ought to get some hits.

Since Fedor “I now mostly fight pituitary cases” Emelianenko has turned down an offer from the number one MMA promotion in the world (the UFC) and split ways with M-1 after they basically launched on the weight on his name AND now has reportedly been offered a hefty sum and some healthy percentages from the soon-to-be-aired-on-CBS EliteXC, it is high time Ripe TV got in the ring.

Fedor! Big man! Let us tell you why you should head over here as soon as possible and put your signature on a piece of paper.

NUMBER ONE: We know a lot of very cute, very fun women. Many of whom have said they’re looking for an “athletic” guy (number one ass-kicker in the world totally fits that bill), somebody who’s “driven” (training to beat large muscular men up in front of tens of thousands takes quite a bit of drive) and has “sense of humor”. (What’s funnier than punching someone in the face?)

NUMBER TWO: We'll fight you, too, if that has to be part of the package, you big manly man, you.

NUMBER THREE: You can host some shows, if you want. We’re not picky. And we’ll use subtitles if we have to. We’re not afraid.

NUMBER FOUR: If you like ice cream, we'll take you to Mashti Malones. It’ll totally blow your mind.

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The point is this: Ripe TV may not be able to give you the money, but we can give you more than your share of good times.

And yes, Alexsander can come, too. "Eastern Promises" Viggo tattoos and all.

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…as long as said man was born a woman and has all those tubes and isht inside. Oh, yeah, and a vagina.

Thomas Beattie, Oregon resident, is five months pregnant via artificial insemination, making him the first “man” to bear children in human history. He’s quite excited and said he hasn’t yet had any strange cravings, unless you count “goats milk and goldschlager” or “chick drinks, which is really embarrassing, considering.”

He also says he will be the child's father and that he, like a real man, will forgo the epidural in favor of the “stick between the teeth” pain-relief method.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, former actor, current Governor of California and, most pertinently, star of Junior, said he was “very excited my movies have inspired people other than terrorists, robot fetishists and non-identical twins.”

As for the donor of the sperm in question, Skip Hall could not be reached for comment.

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At MIT’s school of Architecture and Planning, two geniuses came up with a great idea that is somehow creepy in a “Matrix” way. It’s called the Crowd Farm.

It would work by rebuilding places with a lot of foot traffic by installing squishy ground. When people stepped on whatever squishy material was used, it would move down. The energy would be absorbed through a dynamo and stored as electricity.

The electric current generated by the Crowd Farm could then be used for educational purposes, such as lighting up a sign about energy. "We want people to understand the direct relationship between their movement and the energy produced," says Jusczyk.

The Crowd Farm is not intended for home use. According to Graham and Jusczyk, a single human step can only power two 60W light bulbs for one flickering second. But get a crowd in motion, multiply that single step by 28,527 steps, for example, and the result is enough energy to power a moving train for one second.

Is it a sad commentary or a sign of genius that the first thing we came up with was a self-powered Dance Dance Revolution machine?

There is this pseudo-scientific theory that the continents didn’t drift apart, but that the Earth actually was a lot smaller long ago. The resultant, smaller surface area of the old, small Earth was the reason that all the continents were fitted together – not continental drift.

Pretty much nobody believes this nowadays, but here’s a cool animation showing what would happen if the volume of the Earth decreased but the visible landmasses were the same.

Best pseudo-scientific argument accompanying the theory: dinosaurs were big because when the Earth was smaller, there was less gravity. True!

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Medicine in Western Pennsylvania just got a whole lot sexier due to a slip-up in the 2007 White Pages.

That's because the listing for the toll-free number in the directory is outdated and now sends callers to a Philadelphia-based sex chat service.

That’s kinda fun. It’s like if Patch Adams married Larry Flynt and they had a kooky, horny baby together. Be healed!

1. Look at the judge! He is either a warlock or Archduke of the Bear People.
2. Not sure what this quote means, but it might indicate the officer is still buzzed. “There was a lot of marijuana in the hamburgers…In the end we have to go home, too. We have families.”
3. The names of the perpetrators! Knuckles and Armejo! They have suits on in the video, but certainly the usually dress like this.

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You know those newish pop machines with the little conveyor belt? They are as useful as they are needlessly cool, now. Get two bottles for the price of one.

Via Wired

A huge cargo vessel named the Cougar Ace (awesome!) is listing real bad off the coast of Alaska, and it’s up to this man, his trained Bengal tiger, and a master swordsman/gentleman thief to save it. Part of that is true. The guy in the corner is named Rich Habib, and he’s what Wired describes as an ocean cowboy.

for Habib, nearly every month brings a welcome disaster. While people are shouting "Abandon ship!" Habib is scrambling aboard. He's been at sea since he was 18, and now, at 51, his tanned face, square jaw, and don't-even-try-bullsh*tting-me stare convey a world-weary air of command. He holds an unlimited master's license, which means he's one of the select few who are qualified to pilot ships of any size, anywhere in the world.

The rest of the story is amazing, with more amazing sea cowboy pictures (he has a VERY motley crew), and it's also too long for this blog. That doesn’t really matter, though, since we’re gonna go buy rustproof spurs and start gettin’ more ugly on us in order to become real men.

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There’s a British study that’s saying 9.2 percent of Anglo drivers wear their sunglasses when driving – even at night. God! They’re so hip!

After polling 3,000 European drivers, they found that 5.1% of respondents from Germany, 5.4% from France and 9.2% from the United Kingdom were likely to resort to sunglasses in an effort to reduce that glare.

This seems an imperfect solution. The article goes on to describe a company publicizing the study that makes dimming review mirrors. That’s cool, but this is cooler.

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She’s pregnant and was running through war-torn Baghdad yesterday in a bulletproof vest and a heavy coating of “sexy mom.”

"She's here in her official capacity to talk to government officials, the military and the United Nations about Iraq's refugees and displaced persons," Staffan de Mistura, the U.N. envoy to Baghdad, told Reuters….
“I felt I had to come here because it is very difficult to get answers about the internally displaced people,” she said.

How did she get the answers?! Undoubtedly by posing as a naïve woman of negotiable affections, agreeing to a private, erotic dance show, then clocking some Iraqi official over the head with a candelabra. Rawr. International politics just got a whole lot sexier.

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More steps have been taken recently toward quality television programming in the Writer’s Strike with the WGA reaching terms of agreement with four additional filmmakers. The NY Times reports:

The latest agreements with the Writers Guild's east and west units enables the four independent film producers, GreeneStreet Films, This is that corporation, and Killer Films to "resume business immediately," the statement said.
WGA East president Michael Winship called the pacts "a reaffirmation of their dedication to great writing, bold innovation and good old-fashioned, New York City street smarts"

All the filmmakers that settled with the WGA (as you can tell by the weird way the quote ends) were New York and independent so nobody really cares. However, the article continues to allude that actual, real, Hollywood studios may be the next foot to drop. Fingers crossed that it won't happen for a week or two, though. If we read one more book, we’ll be eligible for a free personal pan pizza!

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Is a giant golden sarcophagus of a curvaceous and golden Oprah Winfrey. If you’re Egyptian god of fertility, she’s looking mighty foxy. We suppose this is some kind of artsy commentary on pop culture (or Egyptians?), but if you’re an American male, you hate Oprah about the same no matter what shape she is in.

Edwards, 42, says his piece pays homage to the closest thing America has to a living deity.

O, God [sic]! This is surely a sign of the Apocalypse. We just hope that when we get to the pearly gates, we don’t look up and see Steadman instead of St. Peter.