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It took the Yearbook Club three days to decide which headline to place on Scotty and Annabelle’s (and little pre-born Trace!) picture.

It came down to these three:

1) Most Likely to Trade Firstborn for carton of Kools
2) Most Stylish Couple ( from Mr. Govkowski, the Yearbook Supervisor – lame!)
3) Cutest Brother & Sister

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In a boarding house in Prince George’s County in the Washington, D.C. area, a young Master Stamp, a 12-year-old boy (not pictured) who lives with his mother, Cheryl, does what many boys his age do on a daily basis – burn through their homework as quickly as possible before, as many US Senators have described, “corrupting their young minds with violent imagery spoon-fed by the video game industry.”

But the artfully sound-designed cacophony of his virtual pursuit was disturbed by a ruckus in the other room. Pausing the game, he went to investigate and found a 64 year-old dude named Salomon Noubissie choking the isht out of his mom.

Springing into action, the plucky Stamp mentally pressed Y to “pick up item” – a carving knife – simultaneously pushed down LT & RT to activate targeting and then popped the X button, slashing the carotid artery of his mothers’ attacker.

Parents, get your kids an XBOX, Wii or PS3 post-haste. It’s cheaper than a guard dog and it’ll get them thinking vocationally.

Kids, thank us later.

Full Story Here…

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Millions of men of the kept and hoping-to-soon-be-kept variety let out a collective cry of panic yesterday as the latest endangered species list was released. Sitting at number four on the list to be functionally extinct by 2020… the North American cougar. *

A cougar, as defined by Wikipedia, is “an older woman, usually in her 30s-40s who sexually pursues younger men in their 20's or early 30's.” They’re kind of like the female equivalent of the dirty old men, the lecherous rich guy, etc.

Without this species, many an attractive and fit man will not be able to exercise their Oedipal demons, afford the designer clothing that fits their taut forms so snugly or take advantage of high-priced cocktails that might feature muddled whatever and perhaps even elderflower liquor. Except during happy hour. And that, to these now-panicked men, is unacceptable.

Brody (last name withheld by request), a 23 year-old part-time model who resides in a small one-bedroom in Brentwood, CA, expressed the feelings that are spiraling through his whole caste “It’s, like, messed up. I don’t know what the EPA or the CIA or TLC can do anything about this. It’s just… I can’t always swing rent on my own. And if a fine filly who reminds me of my mom wants to make-out and help me out, what’s wrong with that?”&sbsp;

Oh, wait. It’s just these kind? Damn. Until they buy our pretty ass a drink, we’re not lifting a finger.

* See story here...

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Joking about bowling-for-delegates fell as flat as every other joke Hillary “Stop Asking Me About Bill” Clinton has ever made, but the resourceful, intelligent and ultimately, destined-to-lose Democratic candidate for the office of President of the United States of America showed the same sort of bold and yet somehow-demeaning-to-all-involved spirit she has throughout her horse race of a campaign with Senator Barack “How You Like Me Now?” Obama.

Yep, she pulled off an up-skirt. Kudos for the courage, Ma’am, to speak to the youth in a language they understand. It’s worked throughout Hollywood to help usher many a woman of integrity and talent from stardom into super-stardom so Clinton gave it a shot. And now, the chips are falling wherever they so chose.

The Clinton Party hopes the super-delegates all have a new wallpaper on their screen today! All the way to White House… commando!

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…as long as said man was born a woman and has all those tubes and isht inside. Oh, yeah, and a vagina.

Thomas Beattie, Oregon resident, is five months pregnant via artificial insemination, making him the first “man” to bear children in human history. He’s quite excited and said he hasn’t yet had any strange cravings, unless you count “goats milk and goldschlager” or “chick drinks, which is really embarrassing, considering.”

He also says he will be the child's father and that he, like a real man, will forgo the epidural in favor of the “stick between the teeth” pain-relief method.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, former actor, current Governor of California and, most pertinently, star of Junior, said he was “very excited my movies have inspired people other than terrorists, robot fetishists and non-identical twins.”

As for the donor of the sperm in question, Skip Hall could not be reached for comment.

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She’s pregnant and was running through war-torn Baghdad yesterday in a bulletproof vest and a heavy coating of “sexy mom.”

"She's here in her official capacity to talk to government officials, the military and the United Nations about Iraq's refugees and displaced persons," Staffan de Mistura, the U.N. envoy to Baghdad, told Reuters….
“I felt I had to come here because it is very difficult to get answers about the internally displaced people,” she said.

How did she get the answers?! Undoubtedly by posing as a naïve woman of negotiable affections, agreeing to a private, erotic dance show, then clocking some Iraqi official over the head with a candelabra. Rawr. International politics just got a whole lot sexier.

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In a shocking revelation, Victoria Beckham told News of the World that she didn’t get into the Spice Girls reunion because she thought she was going to be the “best singer in the world.” Nor, did she simply do it for her millions of fans. She did it to brag to her own, toddling spawns.

"I was very nervous about going back into the Spice Girls because I didn't want to send out a confused message," she admitted.
"The reason I decided to do the tour was to show my kids that mummy was a pop star once.

A fine plan, Victoria. This is good parenting in action. So is this, and this.

At least with her focusing on fashion we’ll get to see more of her built-for-speed boobies and hear less of her built-to-kill vocal styling.

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Never heard of this dame, but we like the cut of her jib! She won the 2007 Nobel Prize in literature. She was born in Persia, raised in Zimbabwe, and will hopefully be our unofficial grandma one day. Here’s what she told the journalists waiting outside her house when they let her know she’d won the effing Nobel Prize.

"Oh Christ, I couldn't care less," she said. "This has been going on for 30 years. I've won all the prizes in Europe, every bloody one, so I'm delighted to win them all. It's a royal flush."

Hah! She’s full of piss and vinegar, this one. She continues…

In October, she told a Spanish newspaper that the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks were "neither as terrible nor as extraordinary" as many people think.

There’s no way she didn’t take a big old drag of a fatty cigar after she said that. It doesn’t say in the article, but we’d bet even money she used to kick Hemingway’s ass in arm wrestling. Buy ya a drink, G-Ma? Maybe a lapdance?

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Gwen Stefani is pregnant with another of Gavin Rossdale’s babies. She has got the flattest, sexiest, most fertile womb this side of the Euphrates! For Zeus’s sake! What if we could rein in its power?

We think it would be a good idea to send Gwen to Sudan. Really, any impoverished nation would work, but the Sudan is fashionable enough that she’d be interested. Then, when she got there, we could plant a few 100,000 square kilometers of soy (or a comparable high-yield crop) in her lower abdomen!

We don’t know a LOT about horticulture, international politics, and human biology, but we know enough to say this is a flawless policy decision.

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Matthew McConaughey and his Brazilian model/girlfriend, Camila are pregnant. In celebration, McConaughey removed his shirt, rolled it up, smoked it, and oiled his pectoral muscles before issuing this statement:

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together," McConaughey writes. "It's 3 months growin in her womb* and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life."
McConaughey adds: "Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution.

God bless evolution? Aside from that statement being hilarious for its obvious, um, “ideological tension,” who references evolution when they’re talking about their kid? What’s he hoping for? We’ll tell you what we’re hoping for: a Rhinocerangelbaby!

*This must be a Texas thing.

Nicol's source
Xtina's source

Both Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera are currently at Cedar-Sinai hospital in Beverly Hills squeeeezing out their progeny. Can you even imagine the fights they must be having for the best gynos and birthing suites? That's pay-per-view material.

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY, Come to the world-famous Cedar-Sinai gynecological wing – the hallowed grounds of Jenna Jameson’s labial reduction, the very place halls that treat today’s celebrities and spawn tomorrow’s! Witness first hand the kocked-up, throw-down battle of the bulges! Nicole Richie versus Christina Aguilera! Ain’t no room for chickens in this wing of the hospital! - Vince McMahon

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The US Census Bureau has come out with its annual education report, and guess what. The girls team is winning.

About 33 percent of women between the ages 25 and 29 earned a bachelor's degree or better in the 2006-07 school year, compared with 26 percent of their male counterparts, the US Census Bureau said yesterday in its latest educational numbers crunch.

Stay at home dad...stay at home? Rad! (rimshot) This might not be all bad for us, fellas. We aren’t afraid to say we’re at the least curious if not enthusiastic about being stay at home dads. There is a certain heartland nobility to maintaining a household. Remember, home is where the heart XBOX is.

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Jamie Lynn Spears was at home for some good old-fashioned country cookin' (deep fried crawdaddies sprinkled with deep fried catfish eggs over a bed of fried rice and swimmin’ in gravy) and despite her undeserved wealth, she neglected to leave a tip.

The pregnant "Zoey 101" star irked waitresses at La Carreta, a Mexican restaurant 40 miles outside her hometown of Kentwood, La., when she failed to leave a tip after she and a friend ate there recently. "Jamie is not well-liked here," says waitress Brittanie Heaney, who makes just $2.37 an hour.

Whatever! You have no idea, Brittanie Heaney, what she’s dealing with. She had more pressing matters on her mind. Like the tour de whore of Britney, the Nachos Grandes platter , or what kind of bedazzled maternity clothes will best suit her shamefully young, pregnant, trailer-trashy bod. Screw you Brittanie Heaney! You are a tumor in the heart of La Carreta.

Besides, she needs that money for the baby.

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Halle Berry is still pregnant and huge, but is slowly getting crazier. She told People magazine, "I want to stay pregnant forever!" This is tantamount to an act of sedition. Pretty sure that's in the constitution. She continues:

"My skin is aglow from all the hormones,"

No, it is just drum-head tight from all the baby in you. Look forward to career-damning stretchmarks.

"Right now I just have so much joy and energy that I feel like I've already done 12 things today,"

12 things in one day! Whew! You’re crazy, Halle Berry. It’s clear that the stewing celebuspawn inside you controls of your body and mind.

Here is a theory for you fathers-to-be to consider. A baby...is a little bit like an alien that controls its host’s mind. It makes that mind believe that it’s okay to be fat and that being a giant whale of a woman is beautiful and enjoyable. Babies may prove to be the single greatest threat to world peace. As long as world peace is equivalent to hot chicks. Which it is.

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You could probably get in, but Jordan, Lily Allen, Sophie Ellis Bextor, Denise Van Outen and Graham Norton definitely cannot. Does this make you A-list. Nope.

A source said: "Victoria has taken some stick over the years from certain celebrities. She doesn't want to be doing her stuff on stage, and then see famous faces in the audience taking the p**s.
"So, quite understandably, Victoria has banned a number of well-known names from the show."

It’s nice to see the Spice Girls at the height of entertainment – the very pinnacle of song and dance. And they clearly got together again not to sell tickets but for the MUSIC! Dream as if you’ll live forever, but live as if you’ll die today, Vicky. Because if your celebr’enemies don’t kill you, we will.