Ripe TV

A patent was filed for a totally sweet shark fighting knife. It’s got a compressed air cylinder in the handle. So, you stab the shark (like ya do…), press the trigger, and the knife releases all this air into the shark's body, totally messing it up. Here’s how the inventor says it:

When in the depressed position, the internal bore communicates with the compressed gas source and when in said not depressed position, the internal bore is blocked from the compressed gas source. When a creature is pierced with the knife, the trigger is depressed injecting compressed gas into the creature greatly enhancing the incapacitating effect of the knife.

It is, apparently, based on a previous shark-repelling device that was a spear gun with a similar air injection system. One commenter said he’d seen footage of the effects: the shark puked its own stomach out.

There is no way this can be anything but radness personified. There's literally no way it can go wrong. We’re in talks as of this blog to have a dedicated channel on Ripe: Shark Inflators. Keep an eye out.

When you buy life insurance for your pet parrot. The man above is named Rob. He sells insurance in Malibu, and he said we can’t say who bought parrot life insurance because he might get sued. But, she’s the crazy, rich lady in Malibu with a parrot on her shoulder. Keep an eye out.

This got us to thinking – thinking “that’s completely psychotic.” So we turned to the interwebs machine to find some other wastes of money for your Hump Day enjoyment.

Want your own pet-surance? We can give you Rob’s number, or you can go here.

Even though your recliner came from the alley, doesn’t mean your cat’s cushion can’t be the cat’s meow.

We never believed in car seats – they’re for the weak-necked. Seat belts, even, are borderline. But, if you want, you can buy one for your tiny, wussy dog.

In a dramatic, um, strip show(?) PETA demonstrated in London that they’re willing to humiliate and debase humans a great deal more than they are animals. Even though animals are totally delicious.

The blubber of dolphins swimming in Charleston Harbor holds some of the worst concentrations of a man-made flame retardant ever recorded in the mammals. And half of the tested dolphins weren't healthy.

What of the flame retardant dolphins that were healthy!? We can now reasonably begin worrying about an impending dolphinocalypse. Let’s just pray to the Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that they’re sated with fish.

There’s this terrifying fish that they recently found in London and people are (rightly) peeing their pants about it. It’s called the Snakehead fish. They're native to China. They kill people, and they can be two feet long. Ef!

It is feared the fish had been smuggled in for an aquarium and then illegally released. Snakeheads caused chaos when they were found in America in 2002, with snipers setting up on bank sides to shoot them and entire lakes being poisoned to kill them.

Holy swimming buddy, Batman. We’re never going in the water again.

Roy Scheider died in non-shark-related incident over the weekend. In Little Rock, Arkansas the 75-year old actor succumbed after being treated for bone cancer for years.

A successful career that began in earnest with his roll as Mercutio in the New York Shakespear festival will be forever overshadowed by his performance in the blockbuster Jaws. Roy himself will be remembered for one line in particular.

You’re gonna need a bigger boat.

As far as legacies go, that’s not a bad one to have. In one of the coolest movies ever, he’s got a pretty stoic, badass line. It’s certainly better than what we will likely be remembered for, which will be some permutation of:

Dude! All you can eat ribs at Hooters! Let's go!

An Ozzy wannabe pled guilty on Tuesday to ripping the head off a duck in a hotel lobby. If you look it up in the books, it’s under “felony animal cruelty.” If you look it up on OUR books it’s under 11th degree rocking.

His lawyer put a fun spin on it, too:

"He's really a nice young man, he's humble, he's hard-working, he was a good student and worked hard to get the job he did," said attorney Michael Colich. "Nobody's been willing to look at what good things he's done in his life and what good things he'll do in his life."
…it appeared Clark, 26, had "a substantial amount to drink" before the incident. He will be sentenced next month, the newspaper reported.

One wonders what the tip-off was that he’d had a lot to drink? Was he swerving when he walked? Perhaps you could smell it on him. Oh, wait. Maybe it was that he ripped the head off a living duck. Yeah, that’s always a pretty good indicator.

Matthew McConaughey and his Brazilian model/girlfriend, Camila are pregnant. In celebration, McConaughey removed his shirt, rolled it up, smoked it, and oiled his pectoral muscles before issuing this statement:

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together," McConaughey writes. "It's 3 months growin in her womb* and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life."
McConaughey adds: "Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution.

God bless evolution? Aside from that statement being hilarious for its obvious, um, “ideological tension,” who references evolution when they’re talking about their kid? What’s he hoping for? We’ll tell you what we’re hoping for: a Rhinocerangelbaby!

*This must be a Texas thing.

In the boiling wake of her commitment to a Cedar-Sinai suicide watch, her sister’s pregnancy, and in the engorgred center of her laughable romance with photog/very creepy man Adnan Ghalib, Britney has fled the U.S. for a little siesta in Rosarito, Mexico.

Britney was crazy as ever, but A.G. showed some very clear thinking regarding the inevitable relationship super nova to come.

While at the hotel, Spears stopped in a gift shop and purchased an imitation Gucci bag and another bag while Ghalib bought a rosary, spending a total of $60, El Vigia reports.

Can’t you just picture that poor, terrifying/terrified man cowering in the corner of their hotel room, tears streaking the patina of crushed Xanax all over his face. He holds up a shivering rosary as he waits for the sword of Britney to fall and finally kill him/his joy ride/his soul? We can. Looks like this:

But, at the very least, you can’t be sure precisely what you’re in for. Which is totally the way it should be when you’re waiting to see what knocked the block off of lady liberty.

Here’s the first leak we stumbled across. It’s by far the cooler of the two, and a fundamentally terrifying concept – especially for us coastal folks. And, we’d have victory over this monster to look forward to, because it’ll look something like this.

The second leak is very disappointing especially because it’s only a picture of an action figure. But it's also just a lame-looking monster that does not strike fear in our hearts. Our greatest hope is that the second leak is an action figure of the baby monsters pictured on the first leak. Either way we’re gonna be there, sh*t-scared, and dressed like whale monsters opening night.

We’ve been wondering how Santa has been delivering presents to the oft-neglected mer-communities of our planet’s oceans.

A “missing link” creature has been recently discovered that suggests whales have descended from ungulates (those are deer and deer-like things…like your mom).

"As a zoo animal, it looks nothing like a whale," Thewissen said. But, he added, when it comes to anatomical features, the Indohyus "is quite strikingly like one."

The Ripe TV archeological department has cooperated with the broadband team to bring you a very sexy rendition of the missing link creature seen below.

In Cebu City (that’s in the Philippines, doi) some lawyers have taken it upon themselves to defend their aquatic brethren from the evils of oil exploration. They’ve named a variety of whales and dolphins as the petitioners in a suit against a foreign oil exploration firm.

In what could be a landmark case in the country, resident mammals of the Tañon Strait have been named petitioners in the injunction case filed on Tuesday before the Supreme Court against three Cabinet officials and a foreign oil exploration firm.

We aren’t lawyers or anything, but we’re pretty sure this is going from awesome to more awesome at the speed of echolocation. What next might we humans represent? Hopefully we’re on our way to an animal/human co-existence that will lead to talking polar bears fighting.

Jennifer Love Hewitt really DOESN’T care what a woman’s body looks like. Whoever the chick is that is grabbing her and pulling her into her gaping maw like Cthuhlu has got to be like a size 2^22.

I wonder if Ross McCall knows about this? We wonder if he sanctioned it? We wonder if he’s going to be tangled in a doubled-up wavy nest of flesh at this very moment.

You might even poetically quip that they’ll be skinned. Hopefully, though, the retribution will be less poetic and more like the literal skinning of the PETA chairwoman, Ingrid Newkirk.

PETA is all up in the Olsen Twin’s business because they don’t like it that the girls wear fur. But, how else are they supposed to keep their wraith-like forms warm?

Ingrid had better watch out. The Olsens have fried many bigger fish (and wolves, and marmots, and polar bears) than her, and they’ve got tons of money, nubile bods, and laser eyes.

It’s great when girls get naked – that’s a given. It’s also great when they do so willingly – that’s an oft overlooked point (particularly by the frat-tastic).

Eva Mendes went ahead and covered all the bases without covering anything on her body for PETA’s “I’d rather go naked…” campaign.

“I feel like in recent years, due to pop culture, fur has made a comeback. Some people still see wearing fur as glamorous and a sign of prosperity. Personally I think wearing a baby chinchilla says, ‘I’m ignorant,‘ vs. saying ‘I’m a badass,‘”

We’re at a bit of a loss. Every time we read PETA it looks like fun spelled backward to us, and yet, we cannot look away from their ads. The solution, so far for us, is to celebrate their advertising genius with some seared animal flesh: now available in high res.