Ripe TV

The Google Lunar XPrize has its first official entrant in the upstart startup, Odyssey Moon.

If you don’t know, the Google XPrize is a competition thrown by Google literally because they “think it’s cool” to see who can get to the moon first. The prize is 30 million dollars and all the moon rocks they can carry in a stretched out sweater.

The deadline to reach the moon is 2014, and Odyssey Moon is the first official team to complete application. We think they’ve got a fighting chance just because they are based on the ancient and mysterious Isle of Man.

However, everybody this side of the pond knows who is going to win this race, just like every other race the Euros think they’ve got wrapped up: Lance Armstrong.

In Old Britania, this dude had sex with a bicycle. Even better, is that they have laws on the books to deal with this sort of ballyhoo over there. Anglophilia = justified.

Telegraph reports that the hapless saddle sexer was, ahem, astride his mate when some cleaning staff arrived.

The 51-year-old was naked from the waist down and when the women opened the door he paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?" before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex".

He was charged with "a sexual breach of peace," which actually sounds pretty bodacious. Those crazy Brits are nothing if not innovative. They invented the first locomotive, rugby, the Spice Girls, and now bike-banging. God save the Queen.

In creepy/sexy celebrity pairing of Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong, a new, creepier (not sexier) level has been reached.

The rad people at Radar are reporting that Lance’s elementary school-aged daughter actually took the Olsen twin to show and tell.

Radar has learned that one of the part-eunuch biker's young daughters (he has twins) had the honor of taking a more realistic (though slightly less boobtastic) Barbie to her class for observation. Yes, daddy's lady love Ashley Olsen was recently shown and told about at the young girl's Texas school.

This is funny on a number of levels, but the best one is that even Lance’s toddling daughter knows what a salable commodity an Olsen Twin can be. She’s definitely got daddy’s business sense. We'd buy an Olsen Twin wrist band.

This should be treated as a thought experiment, not fact. It is an unsubstantiated report, and should taken at best as an amusing story. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you’ll NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED!

So, I’m talking to a girl that I’ve just committed sin with. I’m quite bad at pillow talk (in her opinion), so we are talking about professional road cycling. I have a small hetero man-crush on Lance Armstrong and mention it in passing (I maintain that this is legitimate and swoon-worthy pillow talk).

She gets twitterpated. She has a story. Her story is this: A friend of hers who we will call Becky was in a bar in Santa Monica. So was Lance, and Becky introduces herself. Lance is an affable guy, and apparently Becky’s an affable woman. They hit it off.

Lance, because his one testicle affords him more chutzpah than ten professional bull riders, invites her to follow him. She does, and he leads her into a back room of the bar. Once there, in a private locale, he drops trou and says (paraphrase) “It’s not gonna suck itself…”

Horrified at the site of his singular masculinity (get it!?) she turned tail and ran - never to see the American Hero again.

Now, in a hypothetical universe where this happened, I gotta say that I think this Becky character is now classified as an enemy combatant under the Patriot Act. This is frog-battling Texas native Lance Armstrong. I think she was obliged to agree, and I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution. Thoughts?