Ripe TV

Pauly Shore, erstwhile ermine, former amateur archaeologist of the Paleolithic era and stand-up comedian since, well, birth, recently added a new italicized line item to his business cards – Investigative Journalist. No wait – TIRELESS Investigative Journalist.

Joining the brightly-veneer’d, deeply-closeted and freakishly vainglorious (and sometimes all three) so-called “journos” jockeying for their piece of the Neilson ratings pie, Pauly paid a visit this week to San Angelo, Texas, to wade into the wake of the Yearning for Zion compound raid that now has polygamists alternately jailed and/or crying outside the jail, the 434 children (who can really count them all?) going through the Maury Povich treatment (DNA tests) and the American public passionately pretending to be interested in the “details of sexual abuse” because they’re concerned for these nubile young spiritual brides.

Needless to say, Pauly did not fake the funk. And he’s made no friends about his fellow intrepids. But he wasn’t there to make friends. He was there to find the truth. See for yourself how that went.



PS - YES, this is going to air on RipeTV soon, but that has NOTHING to do with why we’re talking about it. We just like ripping on Lou Dobbs.

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It took the Yearbook Club three days to decide which headline to place on Scotty and Annabelle’s (and little pre-born Trace!) picture.

It came down to these three:

1) Most Likely to Trade Firstborn for carton of Kools
2) Most Stylish Couple ( from Mr. Govkowski, the Yearbook Supervisor – lame!)
3) Cutest Brother & Sister

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Well, you could choose to see this as the jump-the-shark ultimate sacrifice of dignity by a childhood icon to millions – nay, perhaps billions - of hypernostalgiacs out there.

Or you could see it as a grandpa who’s still cool enough to get completely blazed at a Nickelodeon awards show and who’s not afraid to mug it up for the amusement of the masses. He sparked some green in the green room, got green slimed (“I don’t know, Alistair, why did… aw man.”) and now has us green with envy over his inability to destroy our affection for him, no matter what.

Yes, Harrison Ford smokes weed. Supposedly a lot. But it’s legal here in Cali and no doubt years of quality stuntwork by Mr. Han F’ing Solo has produced some back-pain that’ll only be soothed by sticky green. So it’s totally legit.

So don’t judge, man… Just be.

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Alright! That title ought to get some hits.

Since Fedor “I now mostly fight pituitary cases” Emelianenko has turned down an offer from the number one MMA promotion in the world (the UFC) and split ways with M-1 after they basically launched on the weight on his name AND now has reportedly been offered a hefty sum and some healthy percentages from the soon-to-be-aired-on-CBS EliteXC, it is high time Ripe TV got in the ring.

Fedor! Big man! Let us tell you why you should head over here as soon as possible and put your signature on a piece of paper.

NUMBER ONE: We know a lot of very cute, very fun women. Many of whom have said they’re looking for an “athletic” guy (number one ass-kicker in the world totally fits that bill), somebody who’s “driven” (training to beat large muscular men up in front of tens of thousands takes quite a bit of drive) and has “sense of humor”. (What’s funnier than punching someone in the face?)

NUMBER TWO: We'll fight you, too, if that has to be part of the package, you big manly man, you.

NUMBER THREE: You can host some shows, if you want. We’re not picky. And we’ll use subtitles if we have to. We’re not afraid.

NUMBER FOUR: If you like ice cream, we'll take you to Mashti Malones. It’ll totally blow your mind.

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The point is this: Ripe TV may not be able to give you the money, but we can give you more than your share of good times.

And yes, Alexsander can come, too. "Eastern Promises" Viggo tattoos and all.

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Joking about bowling-for-delegates fell as flat as every other joke Hillary “Stop Asking Me About Bill” Clinton has ever made, but the resourceful, intelligent and ultimately, destined-to-lose Democratic candidate for the office of President of the United States of America showed the same sort of bold and yet somehow-demeaning-to-all-involved spirit she has throughout her horse race of a campaign with Senator Barack “How You Like Me Now?” Obama.

Yep, she pulled off an up-skirt. Kudos for the courage, Ma’am, to speak to the youth in a language they understand. It’s worked throughout Hollywood to help usher many a woman of integrity and talent from stardom into super-stardom so Clinton gave it a shot. And now, the chips are falling wherever they so chose.

The Clinton Party hopes the super-delegates all have a new wallpaper on their screen today! All the way to White House… commando!

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…as long as said man was born a woman and has all those tubes and isht inside. Oh, yeah, and a vagina.

Thomas Beattie, Oregon resident, is five months pregnant via artificial insemination, making him the first “man” to bear children in human history. He’s quite excited and said he hasn’t yet had any strange cravings, unless you count “goats milk and goldschlager” or “chick drinks, which is really embarrassing, considering.”

He also says he will be the child's father and that he, like a real man, will forgo the epidural in favor of the “stick between the teeth” pain-relief method.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, former actor, current Governor of California and, most pertinently, star of Junior, said he was “very excited my movies have inspired people other than terrorists, robot fetishists and non-identical twins.”

As for the donor of the sperm in question, Skip Hall could not be reached for comment.

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Ukranian animal lover (no, not that kind) Leonid Stadnik was FINALLY officially handed the title of World’s Tallest Man, knocking off world-renowned dude with an ego as big as his stature, China's Bao Xishun. Leonid made a speech after receiving a car from the President of the Ukraine, Viktor Yushchenko.

The following is an excerpt, and since Stadnik received a free computer last year, he’s made online friends around the world, he did indeed deliver these words in broken English so no, we're not xenophobic. Or jingoistic. Or Django Reinhart, Gypsy king of Jazz guitar.

“… Yes, Xishun [note disrespect of using his first name!], I now am having many gifts. Why is this? Why are you not receiving gifts other than laughter at your funny shortness? Because tallest man in the world is speaking right now. Speaking down to you. HA! You can smile all you want and marry tiny woman, I have the title now. You want it, come to get it! [the few crowd members who understand English clap] And bring good tires because my road is not yet paved. I hope when your wife rubs ointment on your oversized joints, you only see the top of her head because if you see her eye, you will see how terrible it is to be with silver in world where gold is best. Any time, any place, I will be taller than you. Name the place… short stuff!"

AWWWW SNAP!

Leonid attempted to snap but his swollen knuckles impeded any sound other than a whispery rub of dry skin on dry skin. He stubbornly refuses to stop trying until the pain is too great and he sinks down, sitting on the roof of his new car and crying softly.

Take that, China!

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Kate Moss and Gisele Bundchen are naked and up for sale. The famed Christy’s auction house is selling a collection of photographs from the creepily-named Gert Elfering’s private collection.

The entire lot of them is expected to go for somewhere between 2 and 3 million dollars. Or you can go to the local truck stop strip club and see slightly less taut versions for five bucks and a two drink minimum. We know the bartender, so we’ll have him put the auction on the tube for irony’s sake. See you there.

There’s a whole site of super slow motion videos. Worthwhile: the water balloon on the sweater balloons.

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An Ozzy wannabe pled guilty on Tuesday to ripping the head off a duck in a hotel lobby. If you look it up in the books, it’s under “felony animal cruelty.” If you look it up on OUR books it’s under 11th degree rocking.

His lawyer put a fun spin on it, too:

"He's really a nice young man, he's humble, he's hard-working, he was a good student and worked hard to get the job he did," said attorney Michael Colich. "Nobody's been willing to look at what good things he's done in his life and what good things he'll do in his life."
…it appeared Clark, 26, had "a substantial amount to drink" before the incident. He will be sentenced next month, the newspaper reported.

One wonders what the tip-off was that he’d had a lot to drink? Was he swerving when he walked? Perhaps you could smell it on him. Oh, wait. Maybe it was that he ripped the head off a living duck. Yeah, that’s always a pretty good indicator.

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Ok Magazine is reporting this week that Britney Spears is actually trying to take in the seed of uber-creep, Adnan Ghalib.

"Britney hates when things are taken from her," a family member of Kevin Federline tells OK!. "The court's taken Preston and Jayden away, so she'll just have another kid to take their place. That's the way she thinks."

Awesome. That makes perfect sense. It’s much the same way as one might entreat a pack of Slim Jims. If your tool of a friend takes two of your Slim Jims, you’re gonna just have to go down to the Rite-Aid and get some more. Just like Britney. Here she is at the Rite-Aid checking out some pregnancy tests. Eeeeeeeee! Fingers crossed.

Come to think of it, there's probably a solid chance that, if it's a boy, she'll name it Slim Jim.

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Jamie Oliver, also known as the naked chef, is going to cut up a dead British guy that weighs 25 stones because the British use weird weights and measures.

As far as why Jamie Oliver is choosing to cut him up, he says it’s to shock viewers into living a healthier lifestyle and making smarter culinary choices.

The TV chef teams up with celebrity surgeon Gunther von Hagens for the gruesome autopsy on the anonymous corpse. On Channel 4 show Eat To Save Your Life - on Wednesday at 10pm - Jamie, 32, tells viewers: "This all stems from shoving s*** in your mouth. This man ate himself to death."

Is it disturbing to anybody else that a chef is doing the slicing and dicing of a human corpse for entertainment? See readers? Cannibalism can be fun!

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In the boiling wake of her commitment to a Cedar-Sinai suicide watch, her sister’s pregnancy, and in the engorgred center of her laughable romance with photog/very creepy man Adnan Ghalib, Britney has fled the U.S. for a little siesta in Rosarito, Mexico.

Britney was crazy as ever, but A.G. showed some very clear thinking regarding the inevitable relationship super nova to come.

While at the hotel, Spears stopped in a gift shop and purchased an imitation Gucci bag and another bag while Ghalib bought a rosary, spending a total of $60, El Vigia reports.

Can’t you just picture that poor, terrifying/terrified man cowering in the corner of their hotel room, tears streaking the patina of crushed Xanax all over his face. He holds up a shivering rosary as he waits for the sword of Britney to fall and finally kill him/his joy ride/his soul? We can. Looks like this:

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Murderer on the dance floor and in the home of Joey Buttafuoco, Amy Fisher is spinning in a club tonight – probably to promote her sex tape.

Damnit! Doesn’t anybody sell insurance or work at a vacuum cleaner store anymore? This chick was in the slammer for 7 years for murder, then she gets out just to release a sex tape and become a DJ!?

…she admits that part of her settlement with the porno company that released the sex tape is that she must "acknowledge it and discuss it."
"It's part of the settlement - it's a fine line,'' she said dressed in a 1970s black elephant pants outfit with a matching halter top and spike leather boots.

We know at first blush this chick seems pretty badass – the kind of chick that might finally vulcanize you into the sex-robot you were always meant to be. But be not fooled by her feminine wiles. On the left is what’s in your head now…on the right, reality.

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Alcides Moreno plunged 47 stories that morning last month, clinging to his 3-foot-wide window washer’s platform as it shot down the dark glass face of an Upper East Side apartment building. His brother Edgar, who had been working with him, was killed when the platform landed.

Wow. Remind anybody else of anything?

This dude fell 47 stories and is expected to make a full recovery in about a year. Too bad this guy is married!

Girl in Bar: Where’d you get that scar?
Moreno: I fell 500 feet out a building. Want to go home with me?
Girl in Bar (swooning): Yes. Yes I do.

Another great part of the story, though, is the wife. The dude wakes up for the first time from his coma and – reaching for his wife – touches the face of the nurse. His wife moved his hand and said “You’re not supposed to do that. I’m your wife, you touch your wife.” Criminy! I just get home…been falling through the ether all day long…and already she’s nagging at me!