Ripe TV

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It took the Yearbook Club three days to decide which headline to place on Scotty and Annabelle’s (and little pre-born Trace!) picture.

It came down to these three:

1) Most Likely to Trade Firstborn for carton of Kools
2) Most Stylish Couple ( from Mr. Govkowski, the Yearbook Supervisor – lame!)
3) Cutest Brother & Sister

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A New Zealand man was recently sentenced to 75 hours community service. Seems he’d rung up the local PD and reported his own rape – in-progress – by a… oh boy… yes, a wombat - the rather slothful Australian marsupial that mostly has earned a distinction by being an Animal Encyclopedia neighbor to the way-cooler Wolverine.

Arthur Cradock, the sexually assaulted individual, called back after, one assumes, the act was complete and said that, other than now “speaking Australian,” he was okay and would like to withdraw his complaint. Police, unamused and disbelieving, filed charges of their own.

We would like to conjecture the following truths to be gleaned from the incident:

ONE: This once again proves the rule that sometimes “No” really does mean “Yes” but only when a wombat is involved.

TWO: This could explain Australian actors deft touch with assuming other accents (if Wombat rape makes non-Aussies speak Aussie…) Representatives for Multiple-Oscar winner Cate Blanchett, Oscar-Winner Geoffrey Rush and Oscar-Winner Russell Crowe all resulted in hang-ups or being told to “Feck off!” Calls to Abbie Cornish went unanswered but she said she’d block our number and… I guess she wasn’t being funny as we previously assumed.

THREE: Wombats are, by nature, gentle and receptive lovers.

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Kristy Hinze, Australian model, former SI covergirl and host of the Aussie version of Project Runway, recently came clean about her two-year relationship with 63 year-old Texas billionaire Jim Clark. Hinze is 27. She said lots of stuff about him being handsome, funny and intelligent.

We traveled back in time to 1980 and asked then-36-year-old Jim Clark if he wanted to fly to Sydney and visit his future girlfriend in the maternity ward. Clark responded with a threat to “Kick our hippie ass back to Austin.” 

So we came back to now and wrote this. Cause we’re tough like that.

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This is probably the best news we’ve heard since, “You are not the father.”

After a recent study found that couples where the man is 4.0 to 5.9 years older than the woman have the most children, “new research has found that in some circumstances a surprisingly large gap—15 years—is the optimum,” for child-bearing relationships.

We just used an exceptionally complicated sentence to say: We’re off the hook for liking younger woman.

Lady: Why don’t you date someone your own age?

Gentleman: Because that would fly in the face of evolution! I want to settle down and have kids. Seriously, I do. It’s just that my DNA forces me to look for a woman 15 years my junior--preferably one with a trust fund and a recipe for bacon vodka.

Lady: There’s no arguing with science!

Gentleman: Or scientologists!

Lady: What?

Gentleman: You’re too old, you wouldn’t understand.

In celebration of this wonderful, wonderful news, here’s a list of May-December romances previously considered creepy by those without the scientific method on their side:

• Jay-Z and Beyonce (11 years)
  
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (16 years)
  
• Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood (19 years)
  
• Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (21 years)
  
• Rod Stewart and Penny Lancaster (25 years)
  
• Donald Trump and Melania Knauss (24 years)
  
• Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas (25 years)
  
• Billy Joel and Kate Lee (28 years)
  

(Actually, these are still pretty creepy.)

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Sigh. We hate to indirectly advocate statutory rape, but this is pretty awesome. It's pretty tragic, too. It’s “trawesome” if you will, and trust us, you will.

So Casey Aldridge isn’t the father of Jamie-Lynn’s baby. Fair enough. That’s crazy, but it’s within the neon green borders of crazy that float on balloons shaped like diet pills and Starbucks mochaccinos that enclose the Spears Dynasty.

We’ll get to who the dad is in a minute, but Casey is no longer dating Jamie-Lynn because, it’s being reported, he cheated on her and had a pregnancy scare with some other non-Spears, presumably poor-by-comparison broad. THAT is crazy, but for the sake of argument, we'll assume it was worth it.

Now, we get to the meat, Casey is allegedly being paid off to act as father because the real father is over 18 and, if he came forward, could be charged with statutory rape! Happy holidays!

The magazine quotes "two separate Spears family insiders" who believe the father is someone who works on Jamie Lynn's kids' show. "Jamie Lynn has been working on Zoey since she was 13," one of the sources said. "In Hollywood, little girls grow up fast, and she is no exception.

The end is nigh. Within one year Jamie-Lynn and Britterbug are going to collapse in on themselves like dieing stars and explode in a sugary super nova of celbretardation and glitter. We just hope we're clear of the blast radius when it happens.

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Or so says the bedazzled gift basket that big sis Britterbear got her upon hearing of the impending disaster brewing in her womb.

We're told Brit called up West Hollywood celeb baby emporium Petit Tresor late Wednesday afternoon and ordered Jamie Lynn a Tuni & G tank top with the words "Hot Mama 2 B" on it, along with a bunch of all white items including a blanket, a stuffed elephant with a white satin bow, onesies, socks and sneakers. According to our sources, the note attached read: "Dear J.L., We love you! Brit, Sean and Jayden." Auntie Brit luvs y'all!

Next they’ll have matching doublewides (also bedazzled) and their very own kegerators. Trailer park chic is, like, way in.

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Jamie Lynn Spears is 16 and pregnant and doomed beyond reason, but not so nearly as doomed as the poor, quivering fetus within her.

Although, it’s not like the entire world should be surprised in the least. We expect, in fact, a few more rug rats to spill from her unable-to-vote womb in short order. We've known for some time she's a woman of negotiable affections with poor decision-making skills. Here’s an illustrative story that you won’t read in a tabloid or any other blog.

One of the gentlemen in our office whom we will refer to for now as “Chris” attended Pepperdine University which is where Zoey 101 (Jamie Lynn's show) was filmed. When he was 21 and she was 14, she said she thought he was cute and asked for his number in the cafeteria. As a man of dignity (that hates going to jail for statutory rape) he politely fled. True story.

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In Cebu City (that’s in the Philippines, doi) some lawyers have taken it upon themselves to defend their aquatic brethren from the evils of oil exploration. They’ve named a variety of whales and dolphins as the petitioners in a suit against a foreign oil exploration firm.

In what could be a landmark case in the country, resident mammals of the Tañon Strait have been named petitioners in the injunction case filed on Tuesday before the Supreme Court against three Cabinet officials and a foreign oil exploration firm.

We aren’t lawyers or anything, but we’re pretty sure this is going from awesome to more awesome at the speed of echolocation. What next might we humans represent? Hopefully we’re on our way to an animal/human co-existence that will lead to talking polar bears fighting.

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Kiefer Sutherland (legal name Jack Bauer) has been sentenced to serve 48 days in Glendale jail some time before May 30th. Glendale has no idea what they’re getting themselves into.

There’s only been 6 seasons so far and there’s been presidential assisinations and nuclear bombs and fratercide and all sorts of horrible things.

Of his 48-day sentence, we conservatively estimate that he will serve 48 minutes as something catastrophic will almost certainly happen…”within the hour.”

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In Old Britania, this dude had sex with a bicycle. Even better, is that they have laws on the books to deal with this sort of ballyhoo over there. Anglophilia = justified.

Telegraph reports that the hapless saddle sexer was, ahem, astride his mate when some cleaning staff arrived.

The 51-year-old was naked from the waist down and when the women opened the door he paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?" before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex".

He was charged with "a sexual breach of peace," which actually sounds pretty bodacious. Those crazy Brits are nothing if not innovative. They invented the first locomotive, rugby, the Spice Girls, and now bike-banging. God save the Queen.

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Earlier today, Boy George, the 47-year old singer behind “Karma Chameleon” was charged with keeping a man shackled in his basement like Buffalo Bill.

While that is pretty messed up, this is Boy George we’re talking about. The more interesting part of the story was brought to our attention by loyal reader, Alicia.

LONDON, England (AP) -- Musician Boy George was charged Tuesday with falsely imprisoning a 28-year-old man, British police said.

When the AP says “falsely imprisoning” doesn’t that imply that there are a set of circumstances under which shackling some dude in his basement is totally acceptable behavior for Boy George? Yes, yes it does. The Brits are kooks. Submit ideas for said circumstances in the comments below.

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Amy’s enabler, husband Blake Fielder-Civil is being thrown in the huscow. But (How did this happen?) not because of anything related to drugs.

First, he beat the hell out of some bartender. Then, in the resultant trial, he offered to pay one of the witnesses almost half a million dollars to alter their testimony.

Where does he get that kind of money? How on Earth is he not in jail for being 40% heroin at all times? Well, whatever. At least he’s locked up. Maybe, now, Amy will be amazing like this: