Ripe TV

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Los Angeles is full of fat. You might not know that from the images Hollywood pumps out of chest bone-cleavage galore and ludicrous body standards on anybody within fourteen miles of normal.

But, oh yes, LA can get down with the chow-down. SoCal has the largest number of donut shops per capita in the US. And fast food pretty much started here, too.

Really, LA is all about excess. And the latest entrant to excess is found at Neo-diner The Waffle. And they’ve got a “secret menu” sandwich called “The Double-Wide,” that is making us moisten our keyboard even as we type this with our drool.

The bread: Applewood-smoked bacon waffles.

The meat: fried chicken.

Then add: lettuce, tomato, red onion.

Serve with: Maple Syrup, Country White Gravy

And they serve this across the street from Nickelodeon Studios. So if Miley Cyrus starts packing on some womanly curves, you know who to blame.

Or thank.

p.s. This is a scratch-and-sniff post. Scratch the double-wide and…innnnnhhhaaaaaallllleeeee.

p.p.s. Seriously? Now your screen is all smudged.

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On April 5th, 2008, in a ShoXC event filled with controversy, Shayna “Queen of Spades” Baszler submitted Japanese former pro-wrestler Keiko “Tama Chan” Tamai in the first round of their MMA match-up. Despite Tamai’s raided-from-the-closet-of-Rainbow-Brite/Sanrio-Core outfit and a nickname borrowed from either, a) a beloved bearded seal of Tokyo or this little yummy fellow, she got smacked around, suplex’d and then tapped out on a side neck crank just past two minutes into the first round.

To the delight of the crowd, each crushing blow to the side of Tama Chan’s head sent sparkles across her vision and rainbows out of her nostrils and ears.

P.S. - Shayna, come do a show with Ripe TV. We’ll let you beat up every animated childhood icon we can rustle out of rehab.

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William Singalargh, 27, faces up to five years in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. More specifically, he threw a deadly weapon some 16 or so feet at a 15 year-old boy. Even MORE specifically, the deadly weapon was a hedgehog. And the deadly weapon, though not deadly to the target, proved deadly to the weapon itself. The hedgehog was pronounced dead on the scene.

Dr. Ivo Robotnik was called in for questioning by NL Federal Police but later released.

Full Story Here…

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In a boarding house in Prince George’s County in the Washington, D.C. area, a young Master Stamp, a 12-year-old boy (not pictured) who lives with his mother, Cheryl, does what many boys his age do on a daily basis – burn through their homework as quickly as possible before, as many US Senators have described, “corrupting their young minds with violent imagery spoon-fed by the video game industry.”

But the artfully sound-designed cacophony of his virtual pursuit was disturbed by a ruckus in the other room. Pausing the game, he went to investigate and found a 64 year-old dude named Salomon Noubissie choking the isht out of his mom.

Springing into action, the plucky Stamp mentally pressed Y to “pick up item” – a carving knife – simultaneously pushed down LT & RT to activate targeting and then popped the X button, slashing the carotid artery of his mothers’ attacker.

Parents, get your kids an XBOX, Wii or PS3 post-haste. It’s cheaper than a guard dog and it’ll get them thinking vocationally.

Kids, thank us later.

Full Story Here…

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Picture this:

You put in a work day's worth of behind-the-wheel-time trucking 530+ miles to catch a gig by one of yer favorite bands in the world. You bump into wrong fella or maybe just look at some dude who owes someone some money and/or payback. You get your ass beat by said dude and four of his friends. Four of his crazy friends. They bust up some ribs and pull a Tyson (the former heavyweight champ, not the poultry folks), biting off a hefty chunk of one of yer aural flaps. For better or worse, they spit said chunk of ear out (rather than chewing and swallowing) onto the probably-not-altogether sanitary floor. And this all goes down BEFORE the act you came to see goes on. So you miss the show.

Needless to say, yer hospital bound and bummed out.

The story could end here, but we like happy endings...

The band, Japanese trio Boris, plays their set and notice their super-fan, a Josh Baish of Denton, Texas, in the audience. Well, a part of him, anyway. They pick up the chunk, rinse it off with some Soju and put it on ice. Return it to Baish. Write a song about it. Put it out on an EP.

The ear couldn’t go back on, but the fact that Boris wrote a song about the incident – even if it wasn’t his brightest, shining moment – was "worth it" to Paish.

This isn't the song they wrote, but it'll give you an idea of the rockness of Boris. It effin' owns.

What body part would you give up for your favorite band to write a song about it?

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Alright! That title ought to get some hits.

Since Fedor “I now mostly fight pituitary cases” Emelianenko has turned down an offer from the number one MMA promotion in the world (the UFC) and split ways with M-1 after they basically launched on the weight on his name AND now has reportedly been offered a hefty sum and some healthy percentages from the soon-to-be-aired-on-CBS EliteXC, it is high time Ripe TV got in the ring.

Fedor! Big man! Let us tell you why you should head over here as soon as possible and put your signature on a piece of paper.

NUMBER ONE: We know a lot of very cute, very fun women. Many of whom have said they’re looking for an “athletic” guy (number one ass-kicker in the world totally fits that bill), somebody who’s “driven” (training to beat large muscular men up in front of tens of thousands takes quite a bit of drive) and has “sense of humor”. (What’s funnier than punching someone in the face?)

NUMBER TWO: We'll fight you, too, if that has to be part of the package, you big manly man, you.

NUMBER THREE: You can host some shows, if you want. We’re not picky. And we’ll use subtitles if we have to. We’re not afraid.

NUMBER FOUR: If you like ice cream, we'll take you to Mashti Malones. It’ll totally blow your mind.

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The point is this: Ripe TV may not be able to give you the money, but we can give you more than your share of good times.

And yes, Alexsander can come, too. "Eastern Promises" Viggo tattoos and all.

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There’s Anti-Emo riots raging through Mexico. Reports of an 800-strong posse when on a search-and-destroy mission on, well, the Emo-core crew, Iwe're guessing. So now the persecuted are holding rallys and what-not. In related news, a goth-y couple got beaten, one to death, in the UK, by a small pack of thug-life uncool Britains.

All 'cause of being pierced, eye-linered and given to don some retro clothing and—shudder—bangs.

Wait, it’s cause of “anti-gay” sentiments? Who hates gays anymore? That's like being viciously anti-Whig. Well, if The Smiths* are still the biggest band in the world to some people, folks can cling to anything…

Thank God these people don’t live in LA where it’s nigh on impossible to separate the Goths from the waiters who work night shifts, the emo from the more-sullen-of-the-80s-revivalists, the Morrisey Mexicans from the Stray Cats-lovers from Sao Paulo, the homeless from the between-films serious actors. Who do you hit? Who DON’T you?

Who has the energy to muster up more vehemence against these folks other than an eye-roll's worth? And if so, are they sponsored by Monster Java or Sobe No Fear yet?



What’s worst of all is now these kids have to stick up for themselves. When what they’re supposed to be doing is scrawling poems on walls with their mom's lipstick or singing songs about heartbreak in a barely-audible mumble.

Read the story here… And the other one here…

*p.s. Yes, The Smiths are awesome. Please don't organize, mascara running down in tear-streaked rivulets, outside of the Ripe offices.

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We'd like to take a moment to celebrate the retirement of Skip Hall, 63, who, until March 22nd, was the oldest MMA fighter on planet earth*. Hall was a golden gloves boxer, served tours of duty in Vietnam, Korea and the Philippines, was a powerlifter and runs a martial arts school. And, obviously, has got the whole bad ass thing down pat. Hall says he will now focus on his teaching, spending more time with his wife, Sally, and start selling straws of his high-test semen on the internet.

Update: Finally posted the last fight online. Ol’ Skip lost. Anyone wanna buy a straw for 50 bucks?



* (The oldest MMA fighter, omnigalactically, is Krang Tttsskrch, 4489 years of age). Source

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On March 26, 2008, Doug “The Rhino” Marshall gave his all for the troops. Marhsall, in a heroic and truly patriotic move, ceded his WEC light heavyweight title to Brian Stann by way of knockout. Saluting the red, white and blue with a moistness in the eye and an up-thrust chin that took a nasty left hook from Stann, who accepted a commission as an officer in the United States Marine Corps in 2003 and served two tours in Iraq, earning the Silver Star for bravery in combat in 2005. Marshall marshaled some bravery of his own by giving back to the troops, giving what was most valuable to him, the World Extreme Cagefighting light heavyweight belt. We should all look to how we can contribute to these brave men and women.

Speaking with the press after the fight, Marshall, holding a bag of peas fresh from the freezer against the right side of his jawline, said:

"I think it’s important we honor the men and women who are willing to give their lives to protect us. I’ve been thinking long and hard about it throughout my 6 months of training for this fight – the 3 times a day in the gym, the diet regimen, the abstaining from sex, the grueling weight-cut near the end there – and came up with the plan with my team. They weren’t on board at first. But they came around. Those guys, the troops, like Brian Stann, really are getting a raw deal dying for no good reason at all in a country that never attacked us… but I wanted everyone to know they’re still appreciated.”

Marshall then spat blood and what looked like a tooth into a bucket held by one of his corner-man, who refused to meet his eye. “I think I did the right thing. Hoo-ah!”

When the parents are gone for 7 days some people throw keggers. These people are frat-tastic. Bear in mind, many of us fall in that category, too. We were just so utterly humbled by what these guys did though, that we’ve already started Google-stalking them. We’re gonna be besties, especially with the kid whose arm is already in a sling.

Further, notice how there aren't any ladies in the mix? Not that there's anything wrong with ladies, but we appreciate the certain breed of male that thinks nothing of eschewing romance for the salty kiss of probable injury and adventure. Salute.

super fun happy slide

This seems like it could only work as a bar trick. If somebody came into our home looking like this guy — sporting a rolled up sleeves and a haircut from 1992 — we'd feel obligated to punch him right in the throat.

However, if we saw this at a bar after one drink for each of the flaming dice we'd pee ourselves and throw every bit of foldin' money we had at the bartender. As for seeing it on a blog...well, who's to say we're not wasted right now?

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In Rome, a priest participating in a church-sponsored football (the Euro kind with round, chequed balls) match was possessed by rage when an Italian referee made what, in his divine wisdom, he classified as a questionable call.

A footballing priest has been sent off in a church tournament for throwing his shirt at the referee, Italian media reported Sunday.

It gets so much better, though. Instead of taking back his actions, apologizing, or maybe repenting (rimshot), he issued to following statement regarding the grave and unsettling trespasses:

"We are retiring the team," Franco De Rose told Italy's ANSA news service. "We are tired of having to submit to injustices every Sunday."

The Duke mascot, The Blue Devil, is the worst mascot in history for a number or reasons. The most recent and best reason, though, is that he was unable to sustain an 8-inch freefall off a surfboard. Not only that, he cried giant foam-rubber tears like a little girly-mascot instead of saving his caterwauling for when he's really hurt.

1. Look at the judge! He is either a warlock or Archduke of the Bear People.
2. Not sure what this quote means, but it might indicate the officer is still buzzed. “There was a lot of marijuana in the hamburgers…In the end we have to go home, too. We have families.”
3. The names of the perpetrators! Knuckles and Armejo! They have suits on in the video, but certainly the usually dress like this.

This dude caught a five foot shark with his bare hands. That'd be like catching Gary Coleman with your bare hands if Gary Coleman had row after row of razor sharp teeth, the ability to breathe underwater, skin made of needles, and had a few more social graces.