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On April 5th, 2008, in a ShoXC event filled with controversy, Shayna “Queen of Spades” Baszler submitted Japanese former pro-wrestler Keiko “Tama Chan” Tamai in the first round of their MMA match-up. Despite Tamai’s raided-from-the-closet-of-Rainbow-Brite/Sanrio-Core outfit and a nickname borrowed from either, a) a beloved bearded seal of Tokyo or this little yummy fellow, she got smacked around, suplex’d and then tapped out on a side neck crank just past two minutes into the first round.

To the delight of the crowd, each crushing blow to the side of Tama Chan’s head sent sparkles across her vision and rainbows out of her nostrils and ears.

P.S. - Shayna, come do a show with Ripe TV. We’ll let you beat up every animated childhood icon we can rustle out of rehab.

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The LightHouse is an emission-conscious dwelling that exists in a “net-zero carbon” equilibrium. It uses a variety of alternative power (solar, wind, combustible waste material) in order to power its various bells and whistles.

It’s so efficient, in fact, that the house actually “feeds the grid.” It puts power out in addition to being self sufficient so that the power company pays you for contributing something to society other than Halo 3 clips.

It’s a two bedroom one bath, it’s got a biomass boiler for heat, a small patico, and looks like a house from Aeon Flux. All good things. Sadly, though, it’s in Britain (they have EVERYthing), and there’s only one, so you probably won’t be able to get one for a while.

Iron Man Exclusive Trailer

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Awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome. Ironman forges a bulletproof pants-missile in the corduroy’d crotchal regions of fanboys worldwide, and this HD trailer simply arms it with a 69 kiloton nuclear warhead. Can the sexual overtones be removed from this assessment? Negative, ghostrider.

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Here’s a picture of a new ambulance they have in the frozen North for difficult “rural” terrain. There must be a lot more injuries or way fewer road (or both?) in that red, red country. God bless the U.S.A. - home of healthy people and byways.

This seems a little unusual, especially in a country where the populous is known for keeping their heads (read as: being boring). Maybe things are getting a little more interesting across the pond.

Tim Burton is remaking Alice in Wonderland, so that should be terrifying. Even more to our horror, Lindsay Lohan has thrown her hat diaphragm in the ring to be the new Alice. Oddly, Burton’s quote is scarier than Lohan’s. Let’s play a fun game in which you try to guess which is which!

"The stories are like drugs for children, you know? It's like, 'Whoa, man.’ I think it's an interesting challenge to direct."

“I just hope they don’t want an unknown, I really want this part.”

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Johnny Depp’s daughter recently contracted E.coli poisoning which caused her kidneys to fail. We’re not doctors, but that sounds pretty bad. Johnny took her to Great Ormond St hospital which is a real fancy London children’s hospital. They saved her, and Johnny thanked them, Sparrow style.

ACTOR Johnny Depp secretly visited London's Great Ormond St Hospital yesterday to donate a million pounds to thank staff for saving his daughter's life.

‘Tis right and true for ‘im to give the ones saved ‘is daughter’s life a gift. Now they’re honor-bound to fight with ‘im in all discords public and private. Gar.

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“I can’t believe it’s not baby batter,” newly impregnated Jillian Grace must have ejaculated upon coupling with the Smurfish David Spade. There’s no way she expected he’d be able to actually father a child. We don’t blame her in the least for not using birth control.

Jillian Grace, Miss March 2005, is alleging that she had a relationship with the comedian, resulting in her becoming pregnant. Grace was discovered by Playboy after posing for test shots on the Howard Stern show.
Spade tells TMZ, "I had a brief relationship with Jillian Grace. If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility."
Grace could not be reached for comment.

Not so smarmy now, are we David Spade? What a weird relationship they must’ve had. We’re thinking cute nicknames, i.e. Jillian affectionately called him “The Hollywood Minute” because he looks like this and she looks like this*.

*It was kind of hard to find her un-naked.

A friend once said, “Never underestimate the power of the true believer.” The context, though, was much more serious. In the next 10 seconds he went on a 4-player kill streak in Halo 3 multiplayer. Awe inspiring.

The video above is of him and was shown at a Scientology award ceremony. And shows Tom Cruise being a true believer in a much more innocuous and funny way. He thinks Scientology is something more than just hilarious. Here’s our favorite quote in which he proves himself wrong.

We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind, we are the authority on improving conditions [unintelligible]. We can rehabilitate criminals’ way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures.

There are also a host of non-sequitur bursts of hysterical laughter which underscore how truly nipple-twistingly crazy he is, so that’s nice.

Hey, we’re not here to tear down an entire thought-system. We don’t have that kind of time. Maybe after Valentine’s Day. For now just enjoy crazy for the sake of crazy.

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Harry Potter is way lame. And we haven’t read all 7 of the books, and it didn’t take us one week to do it. We don’t understand the cultural tidal wave it’s become. Nor do we understand the crushing emptiness one feels when they finish the 7th book and the appendix works and realize there’s nowhere left to go.

Which is why some fans were unbelievably happy when one of the highest-regarded fan sites, the Harry Potter Lexicon (which is self-described as containing "characters, places, creatures, spells, potions and magical devices," from the Harry Potter universe) was going to be printed in an encyclopedic version.

J.K. Rowling, though, nixed the idea because she planned on writing a similar book and to preempt her infringed on her rights. Or so she thought! Conflicted, because a J.K. book would likely be better but longer in being published…anxious fans looked on. Now Tim Wu of Slate.com thinks there is a twinkle at the end of the tunnel…ya know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

…Rowling is overstepping her bounds. She has confused the adaptations of a work, which she does own, with discussion of her work, which she doesn't…Textually, the law gives her sway over any form in which her work may be "recast, transformed, or adapted." But she does not own discussion of her work.

But, at the very least, you can’t be sure precisely what you’re in for. Which is totally the way it should be when you’re waiting to see what knocked the block off of lady liberty.

Here’s the first leak we stumbled across. It’s by far the cooler of the two, and a fundamentally terrifying concept – especially for us coastal folks. And, we’d have victory over this monster to look forward to, because it’ll look something like this.

The second leak is very disappointing especially because it’s only a picture of an action figure. But it's also just a lame-looking monster that does not strike fear in our hearts. Our greatest hope is that the second leak is an action figure of the baby monsters pictured on the first leak. Either way we’re gonna be there, sh*t-scared, and dressed like whale monsters opening night.

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After fighting Robots in the future as a retro-obsessed cop and then fighting zombies in the future as a retro-obsessed scientist, Will Smith is now fighting off alien karma as a modern day actor and non-cursing rapper.

Will Smith has joined the ranks of Hollywood power players actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology.
Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center.

If you’re not familiar with the bulbous character pictured in front of Will’s family, well, that’s the space warlord who used to run the Galactic Confederacy. His name is Xenu. A long time ago, before modern day “scientists” thought the universe existed, Xenu brought people to Earth. The he lined them around the rims of volcanoes so that it would be efficient to blow them up using hydrogen bombs. Their spirits remained and are the source of all the spiritual harm in your life.

Just thought you should know.

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Michael Jackson, the defrocked, uncrowned, besmirch’d former king of pop was spotted in a Las Vegas Barnes and Noble over the weekend with his three kids.

He has three kids!? When in the rainbow sh*ts did that happen?!

Anyway, he was predictably covered in bandages like drugstore-bought mummy, and he was looking to purchase a book about dragons. This is indisputable, inarguable proof that Michael Jackson has taken it upon himself to take pop music to the next level.

It’s been a long time coming – he’s going to turn himself into a magical beast – witness Michael Jackson in drag(on).

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A man named The Leprechaun Bandit* was just caught and sentenced for robbing banks. And somebody caught this guy in Texas - Texas Style if you will. This particular miniature mischief-maker was most fond of, ironically, stealing other people’s gold.

Mr. Kemp was responsible for bank robberies in Fort Worth between April and June. He admitted to a Compass Bank robbery on April 2, a Washington Mutual Bank on April 5, a Wells Fargo Bank robbery on April 16th and a Washington Mutual Bank robbery on June 5th…

Something is fishy here. Either 1. he’s not a leprechaun (impossible) or 2. this is part of his nefarious plan to bilk the government out of a great deal more gold! If there’s one thing to know about leprechauns, it’s that they’re smarter, faster, and infinitely more evil than many humans give them credit for.

Mark this blog’s words: emerald mischief is on its way.

*He was so-named because of his green clothing emblazoned with the famous 4-leaf clover.

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This gruesome twosome is welcoming their second spawn onto this Earth. It’s being reported that it’s a girl, but who knows what that means since there is little to no chance it is anything more than vaguely human.

The reporting of this story must be tricky. Surely the purple spotted egg that sloughed from Helena Bonham Carter’s womb has been around for some time. Does that constitute “birth” in the traditional human sense? Or, rather, is it when the creature uses its beak tooth to break into this realm?

Below is a Ripe embryologist’s forecast of what the cine-spawn may look like based on the physical characteristics of the parents and, also, just how creepy they are.

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Oh, man. Oh, jeez. Michael, we can’t handle another blow. We grew up on Thriller. Remember the Smooth Criminal video?! We do. Every day we do. It was phenomenal. And now, amidst rumors of an additional studio album with J.T. and others, there are talks that M.J. is going to tour again.

my sources report the following: Michael Jackson is in talks with AEG Live’s Randy Phillips to go on tour for three months from March through May 2008.

The extra sad part is that M.J. may tour in order pay off his 300 million dollar loan. Oops. That's tough cookies, but we'll take a slice of the old M.J. however we can get it.

If Michael toured and released a new album, and it actually worked well, it would splinter our brains into tiny, platinum, glove-shaped pieces. However, we have to be somewhat realistic. It is this we’re talking about.