Ripe TV

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On April 5th, 2008, in a ShoXC event filled with controversy, Shayna “Queen of Spades” Baszler submitted Japanese former pro-wrestler Keiko “Tama Chan” Tamai in the first round of their MMA match-up. Despite Tamai’s raided-from-the-closet-of-Rainbow-Brite/Sanrio-Core outfit and a nickname borrowed from either, a) a beloved bearded seal of Tokyo or this little yummy fellow, she got smacked around, suplex’d and then tapped out on a side neck crank just past two minutes into the first round.

To the delight of the crowd, each crushing blow to the side of Tama Chan’s head sent sparkles across her vision and rainbows out of her nostrils and ears.

P.S. - Shayna, come do a show with Ripe TV. We’ll let you beat up every animated childhood icon we can rustle out of rehab.

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Kristy Hinze, Australian model, former SI covergirl and host of the Aussie version of Project Runway, recently came clean about her two-year relationship with 63 year-old Texas billionaire Jim Clark. Hinze is 27. She said lots of stuff about him being handsome, funny and intelligent.

We traveled back in time to 1980 and asked then-36-year-old Jim Clark if he wanted to fly to Sydney and visit his future girlfriend in the maternity ward. Clark responded with a threat to “Kick our hippie ass back to Austin.” 

So we came back to now and wrote this. Cause we’re tough like that.

On America’s Next Top Model last night, Tyra made all the girls wear meat in a photo shoot. We’re disallowed by our masculinity from watching the show, so we can’t offer any explanation for Tyra’s reasoning behind this other than to say “reason” and “Tyra” are mutually exclusive terms.

For now, ponder if you will the beef bra on this special lady. And, further, ask yourself: would you put that in your mouth?

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Kate Moss and Gisele Bundchen are naked and up for sale. The famed Christy’s auction house is selling a collection of photographs from the creepily-named Gert Elfering’s private collection.

The entire lot of them is expected to go for somewhere between 2 and 3 million dollars. Or you can go to the local truck stop strip club and see slightly less taut versions for five bucks and a two drink minimum. We know the bartender, so we’ll have him put the auction on the tube for irony’s sake. See you there.

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Because he looks and acts like a woman, Orlando Bloom sparks the latent lesbianism in the loins of (surprisingly) good looking women sometimes. The latest of these is his current girlfriend, Victoria’s Secret model, Miranda Kerr.

However, even she is embarrassed to be associated with him for fear of becoming androgynous-by-association.

But mention boyfriend Orlando Bloom, and suddenly she's tongue-tied.
When asked if the two yoga devotees ever workout together, she responded with, "Ugh. Ha, ha, ha!" before finally managing, "Well, I'm sure he does yoga.”…
"He's a sweetheart and that's all I'm gonna say," Kerr said, blushing. "Sweetheart."

Sweetheart? That’s what a bunch of cowboys call a city slicker right before the drag him behind their horses to the stable for a good old fashioned blanket party.

You know, the worst insult ever paid to this guy that works in our office was when a girl said of all the characters in "Troy," he reminded her most of Bloom’s character, Paris. In an unfortunate accident, that woman died of bronze-sword-through-the-abdomen syndrome.

There’s this British chick that is hot, and her name is Cheryl Cole. She’s in a British girl band that you’ve never heard of, and she’s dating a soccer player you’ve also never heard of.

Here’s why you should care. The soccer player cheated on her. This has made her lose weight and start wearing a totally hot French maid outfit. Huzzah!

Sorry for two Marissa Miller posts in one day. Here's your second Marissa post of the day. She trains by boxing to keep herself looking like a forest fire. We managed to keep blood flowing to our heads (the ones above shoulder level) until the following quote. Then we passed out. Maybe you can make it to the end of the video.

“I’m really happy that I started boxing and training and doing this sport. It’s changed my body. I’m a lot tighter.”

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Get ready to hate your life. Agent Bedhead collected these celebrity pickup lines – the dark twist to this tryst is they work for the big boys, but will likely just get you sued.

Our favorite: Vince Vaughn: “You have to say these lines and you can’t back off of them. You can’t be like, ‘Oh, my friend made me say that line.’ You have to own it as if that’s who you are… ‘Excuse me if I appear to be squinting but I was up really late last night painting miniature elves. I love being in this room.’ ”

More pics here

Kudos to SI on this one. Marissa is everything a sports illustrated swimsuit model should be. Indeed, she’s got a supernatural body that seems to circumvent the fabric of the universe in its hotness. Traditional laws of gravity appear not to apply to her boobs.

But, more importantly, she epitomizes the “sports” in SI. She’s a better surfer than you are, and when she’s not having her body painted, she’s way into classic muscle cars and football. Too bad she's dating this guy.

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We didn’t even know that Elvis had kids, but apparently his kids had kids and (mercy…) Elvis’s granddaughter is mega-foxy.

Her name is Riley Keough and she’s a model/singer/vessel of Americana. It’s your patriotic duty to absorb this picture into your psyche. Good luck.

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And not in a sexy way. The Mail is reporting that thongs are no longer the underthing of choice for the ladies looking to thrill. This is an excellent example of the collective unconscious failing to evolve.

For some reason, thong sales have been down and ladies across the land are embracing the boyshort as a more supportive and comfortable alternative. You know what goes real well with boyshorts? Mom jeans and a reasonably priced haircut. Thongs aren’t supposed to be comfortable. Beauty is pain. Deal with it.

This is Heidi Montag’s new music video. The music sucks, the video sucks, but one just can’t help but wonder if this is an delicate orchestra of marketing ringing through the cathedral of her genius.

Let’s just say you’re a celebrity, and that there’s no apparent reason for your being a celebrity outside of your breasts. Let’s also say, for this thought experiment, that you want to make a whole lot of money.

You know people are going to watch your video no matter what it is. And the more they watch it and talk about it the more money you’ll get. So in spending 5 dollars on a video that's so full of boobs and controversy, Heidi Montag might be a marketing guru. Or an idiot. It's hard to say.

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Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert were full-on lesbots at the New York club Tenjune on Tuesday night. That is awesome. Really awesome. Us reports:

Paris Hilton and actress Elisha Cuthbert were "all over each other and making out" at New York's Tenjune club Tuesday night, a source tells Usmagazine.com.

Can’t say we’re super surprised considering Paris’s slatternly history and Elisha’s foxy new do.

This picture, though, would get a lot better if we could de-imagine Paris from it. Elisha has been in “Girl Next Door,” and she was Kim Bauer! She remodeled our lives in those performances. Paris was in her own sex tape and a sh*tty horror movie, House of Wax.

Whatever. As long as when they’re doing it, Paris is on top so we can’t see her face, everything is kosher.

The latest in the celebrity to be slathered in a “Milk shots” is Rihanna posing in a tasteful, black cocktail dress in some kind of old-money, East Coast, fraternal order’s library.

With this under her belt, and the topless shoot for the German FHM behind her, she’s only got one place to go from here: the enchanted eye-candyland of sex tapes.

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Aussie soap star/pop singer Natalie Imbruglia broke up with her fiancé (the lead singer of Silverchair) a couple weeks ago. That was a good move, because “Torn” is about 1000 times better than anything they’ve written.

Anyway, she just had her birthday at a nice restaurant in London, and she looks unbelievable. Plus she has an accent. Plus she’s self-deprecating.

She is only 33, but when you consider the mileage, she looks like she’s 19. By comparison, celebrities like Lohan look about 56.

Natalie, call us. Let us show you the wonders of this America Land.