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Los Angeles is full of fat. You might not know that from the images Hollywood pumps out of chest bone-cleavage galore and ludicrous body standards on anybody within fourteen miles of normal.

But, oh yes, LA can get down with the chow-down. SoCal has the largest number of donut shops per capita in the US. And fast food pretty much started here, too.

Really, LA is all about excess. And the latest entrant to excess is found at Neo-diner The Waffle. And they’ve got a “secret menu” sandwich called “The Double-Wide,” that is making us moisten our keyboard even as we type this with our drool.

The bread: Applewood-smoked bacon waffles.

The meat: fried chicken.

Then add: lettuce, tomato, red onion.

Serve with: Maple Syrup, Country White Gravy

And they serve this across the street from Nickelodeon Studios. So if Miley Cyrus starts packing on some womanly curves, you know who to blame.

Or thank.

p.s. This is a scratch-and-sniff post. Scratch the double-wide and…innnnnhhhaaaaaallllleeeee.

p.p.s. Seriously? Now your screen is all smudged.

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On April 5th, 2008, in a ShoXC event filled with controversy, Shayna “Queen of Spades” Baszler submitted Japanese former pro-wrestler Keiko “Tama Chan” Tamai in the first round of their MMA match-up. Despite Tamai’s raided-from-the-closet-of-Rainbow-Brite/Sanrio-Core outfit and a nickname borrowed from either, a) a beloved bearded seal of Tokyo or this little yummy fellow, she got smacked around, suplex’d and then tapped out on a side neck crank just past two minutes into the first round.

To the delight of the crowd, each crushing blow to the side of Tama Chan’s head sent sparkles across her vision and rainbows out of her nostrils and ears.

P.S. - Shayna, come do a show with Ripe TV. We’ll let you beat up every animated childhood icon we can rustle out of rehab.

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It took the Yearbook Club three days to decide which headline to place on Scotty and Annabelle’s (and little pre-born Trace!) picture.

It came down to these three:

1) Most Likely to Trade Firstborn for carton of Kools
2) Most Stylish Couple ( from Mr. Govkowski, the Yearbook Supervisor – lame!)
3) Cutest Brother & Sister

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Millions of men of the kept and hoping-to-soon-be-kept variety let out a collective cry of panic yesterday as the latest endangered species list was released. Sitting at number four on the list to be functionally extinct by 2020… the North American cougar. *

A cougar, as defined by Wikipedia, is “an older woman, usually in her 30s-40s who sexually pursues younger men in their 20's or early 30's.” They’re kind of like the female equivalent of the dirty old men, the lecherous rich guy, etc.

Without this species, many an attractive and fit man will not be able to exercise their Oedipal demons, afford the designer clothing that fits their taut forms so snugly or take advantage of high-priced cocktails that might feature muddled whatever and perhaps even elderflower liquor. Except during happy hour. And that, to these now-panicked men, is unacceptable.

Brody (last name withheld by request), a 23 year-old part-time model who resides in a small one-bedroom in Brentwood, CA, expressed the feelings that are spiraling through his whole caste “It’s, like, messed up. I don’t know what the EPA or the CIA or TLC can do anything about this. It’s just… I can’t always swing rent on my own. And if a fine filly who reminds me of my mom wants to make-out and help me out, what’s wrong with that?”&sbsp;

Oh, wait. It’s just these kind? Damn. Until they buy our pretty ass a drink, we’re not lifting a finger.

* See story here...

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There’s Anti-Emo riots raging through Mexico. Reports of an 800-strong posse when on a search-and-destroy mission on, well, the Emo-core crew, Iwe're guessing. So now the persecuted are holding rallys and what-not. In related news, a goth-y couple got beaten, one to death, in the UK, by a small pack of thug-life uncool Britains.

All 'cause of being pierced, eye-linered and given to don some retro clothing and—shudder—bangs.

Wait, it’s cause of “anti-gay” sentiments? Who hates gays anymore? That's like being viciously anti-Whig. Well, if The Smiths* are still the biggest band in the world to some people, folks can cling to anything…

Thank God these people don’t live in LA where it’s nigh on impossible to separate the Goths from the waiters who work night shifts, the emo from the more-sullen-of-the-80s-revivalists, the Morrisey Mexicans from the Stray Cats-lovers from Sao Paulo, the homeless from the between-films serious actors. Who do you hit? Who DON’T you?

Who has the energy to muster up more vehemence against these folks other than an eye-roll's worth? And if so, are they sponsored by Monster Java or Sobe No Fear yet?



What’s worst of all is now these kids have to stick up for themselves. When what they’re supposed to be doing is scrawling poems on walls with their mom's lipstick or singing songs about heartbreak in a barely-audible mumble.

Read the story here… And the other one here…

*p.s. Yes, The Smiths are awesome. Please don't organize, mascara running down in tear-streaked rivulets, outside of the Ripe offices.

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A New Zealand man was recently sentenced to 75 hours community service. Seems he’d rung up the local PD and reported his own rape – in-progress – by a… oh boy… yes, a wombat - the rather slothful Australian marsupial that mostly has earned a distinction by being an Animal Encyclopedia neighbor to the way-cooler Wolverine.

Arthur Cradock, the sexually assaulted individual, called back after, one assumes, the act was complete and said that, other than now “speaking Australian,” he was okay and would like to withdraw his complaint. Police, unamused and disbelieving, filed charges of their own.

We would like to conjecture the following truths to be gleaned from the incident:

ONE: This once again proves the rule that sometimes “No” really does mean “Yes” but only when a wombat is involved.

TWO: This could explain Australian actors deft touch with assuming other accents (if Wombat rape makes non-Aussies speak Aussie…) Representatives for Multiple-Oscar winner Cate Blanchett, Oscar-Winner Geoffrey Rush and Oscar-Winner Russell Crowe all resulted in hang-ups or being told to “Feck off!” Calls to Abbie Cornish went unanswered but she said she’d block our number and… I guess she wasn’t being funny as we previously assumed.

THREE: Wombats are, by nature, gentle and receptive lovers.

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Kristy Hinze, Australian model, former SI covergirl and host of the Aussie version of Project Runway, recently came clean about her two-year relationship with 63 year-old Texas billionaire Jim Clark. Hinze is 27. She said lots of stuff about him being handsome, funny and intelligent.

We traveled back in time to 1980 and asked then-36-year-old Jim Clark if he wanted to fly to Sydney and visit his future girlfriend in the maternity ward. Clark responded with a threat to “Kick our hippie ass back to Austin.” 

So we came back to now and wrote this. Cause we’re tough like that.

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Lindsay Lohan is out of cash after a spendy stay in rehab and an even spendier pre-hab party and after party. She’s asking her friends for dough and sleeping with dudes, presumably just to have somewhere to lay down.

In 2005 she was in the Forbes top 100 celebs and was raking in $11 million a picture. Plus magazine covers. Plus TV/Radio. Even if we wanted to, we wouldn’t know where to go to spend that much money. The dollar menu at Wendy’s would surely kill us before we made a dent in our assets!

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The writers are getting a little anxious – a little frisky, even – as the strike drags on. But some, happily, are making the best of it by using their old studio IDs to meet at their former places of work to party down.

"They all bring wine, champagne, and hang out all day. So many of them have hooked up," said one actress who was invited as a guest. "There's no end in sight, so they're having fun in the meantime."

That’s pretty great – especially for the writers. The only bad part is that the bookish sex they’re likely all having would be less than scintillating. And think of the paper cuts!

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Manly. The formerly cool actor – previously noted for "Topgun," "Cocktail" and the first and third "Mission: Impossible" movies – has professed that he thinks his wife, Katie Holmes, looks best dressed like a dude. US magazine reports:

"Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush," she told the January issue of In Style. "He'll say, 'You look good. I hope security's going with you.' Now that gives me attitude."

One wonders what else Tom likes from Katie that errs on the masculine side of things? She’s got about 2 inches and 30 pounds on him – maybe the box or play fumblerewski? Maybe they dress up like American Gladiators and climb in giant metal cages to do battle. Hopefully they do. We’d rather watch that than “Lions for Lambs.”

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Jessica Alba’s representative revealed to People Magazine today that she is, indeed, pregnant. And that she and her boyfriend, Cash Warren, are expecting in late Spring.

This is an absolute disaster in every way. Doesn’t she know that overpopulation, obesity, and lack of Jessica Alba movies are ruining America and the world at large? Apparently, she does not.

Lack of political awareness and pro-life legislation have completely screwed up our next 9 months. Thanks for nothing Jessica Alba.

Jenna Bush was on Ellen to talk about something. Doesn’t matter what. And Ellen, devious she-plotter that she is, devised a scheme to get the President on the line.

And it worked! She bypassed layer upon layer of national security and directly contacted the Prez. Ellen may be a terrorist.

Either way, we do approve of Bush’s love for his daughter and of his holiday greetings for the crowd. And, since we base our vote on who would be most comfortable to have a beer egg nog with, we guess we’re republicans now.

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Former porn icon and boob-deflating terrorist, Jenna Jameson is sticking her fingers into a new venture: slinging booze.

She and her friend Richie Rich (he’s the Heatherette designer that put ugly clothes on her shriveled form a bit back) have decided to open a bar together in NY Chinatown.

"It used to be a whorehouse," Richie told Page Six. The bar, to be called The General Store, will have a store in front where the duo will sell Richie's designs and clothing picked by Jameson.

We’re 50/50 on this one. A former brothel bar is something we’re almost always down for. Put a porn queen at the helm and that blasts frosting, in arcing ropes, all over the cake.

But Richie Rich shilling his glittery duds in the back room. Dubious. Very dubious.

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This new-and-improved "Honey Doll" comes with special touch sensors (like your iPhone!) that illicit audio responses from her on-board MP3 player. Touch Honey Doll’s bazonga’s and she lets out a moan.

OR, because this is 2007, you can customize the audio. We'd change the moan to the Transformer’s transformation sound. Autobots, roll out!

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Jessica Simpson was on The View again.

“As far as boys go, I don't need 'em. I want a man."

"I'm kind of married to my music right now,”

“Warning: bitch on board.”

One of these quotes did not slough out of Jessica Simpson’s too-bright, smilin’ pie-hole. Can you guess which one?

She was on The View, a.k.a. 4th sign of the Apocalypse, and talked about nothing of import at all.

Before this View business, at least she was hot as hell. Now she’s surrounded by wrinkles, fat, and an incessant buzzing. We would pay exactly $4 (American) now to sleep with her. And that’s if there wasn’t a new Boston Legal on.