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Today, April 7th, is the 75th Anniversary of Beer’s triumphant return to the U.S. palate.

In 1933, Prohibition was on its last teetotaling legs as FDR assumed the presidency and, thanks to the Cullen-Harrison Act, beer became legal again at the stroke of midnight, “New Beers Eve.” It wasn’t powerful stuff – 3.2 alcohol – but it was, for the first time in 14 years, legal beer.

In gratitude, we've gone on to make Budweiser the number one consumed beer (both nationally and internationally), proving that whoever said "we didn’t deserve to drink beer" was right. So today, we can celebrate the 75th anniversary of the return of beer and the 75th anniversary of our not deserving it since all we do is drink the Shasta of suds.

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Picture this:

You put in a work day's worth of behind-the-wheel-time trucking 530+ miles to catch a gig by one of yer favorite bands in the world. You bump into wrong fella or maybe just look at some dude who owes someone some money and/or payback. You get your ass beat by said dude and four of his friends. Four of his crazy friends. They bust up some ribs and pull a Tyson (the former heavyweight champ, not the poultry folks), biting off a hefty chunk of one of yer aural flaps. For better or worse, they spit said chunk of ear out (rather than chewing and swallowing) onto the probably-not-altogether sanitary floor. And this all goes down BEFORE the act you came to see goes on. So you miss the show.

Needless to say, yer hospital bound and bummed out.

The story could end here, but we like happy endings...

The band, Japanese trio Boris, plays their set and notice their super-fan, a Josh Baish of Denton, Texas, in the audience. Well, a part of him, anyway. They pick up the chunk, rinse it off with some Soju and put it on ice. Return it to Baish. Write a song about it. Put it out on an EP.

The ear couldn’t go back on, but the fact that Boris wrote a song about the incident – even if it wasn’t his brightest, shining moment – was "worth it" to Paish.

This isn't the song they wrote, but it'll give you an idea of the rockness of Boris. It effin' owns.

What body part would you give up for your favorite band to write a song about it?

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Alright! That title ought to get some hits.

Since Fedor “I now mostly fight pituitary cases” Emelianenko has turned down an offer from the number one MMA promotion in the world (the UFC) and split ways with M-1 after they basically launched on the weight on his name AND now has reportedly been offered a hefty sum and some healthy percentages from the soon-to-be-aired-on-CBS EliteXC, it is high time Ripe TV got in the ring.

Fedor! Big man! Let us tell you why you should head over here as soon as possible and put your signature on a piece of paper.

NUMBER ONE: We know a lot of very cute, very fun women. Many of whom have said they’re looking for an “athletic” guy (number one ass-kicker in the world totally fits that bill), somebody who’s “driven” (training to beat large muscular men up in front of tens of thousands takes quite a bit of drive) and has “sense of humor”. (What’s funnier than punching someone in the face?)

NUMBER TWO: We'll fight you, too, if that has to be part of the package, you big manly man, you.

NUMBER THREE: You can host some shows, if you want. We’re not picky. And we’ll use subtitles if we have to. We’re not afraid.

NUMBER FOUR: If you like ice cream, we'll take you to Mashti Malones. It’ll totally blow your mind.

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The point is this: Ripe TV may not be able to give you the money, but we can give you more than your share of good times.

And yes, Alexsander can come, too. "Eastern Promises" Viggo tattoos and all.

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On March 26, 2008, Doug “The Rhino” Marshall gave his all for the troops. Marhsall, in a heroic and truly patriotic move, ceded his WEC light heavyweight title to Brian Stann by way of knockout. Saluting the red, white and blue with a moistness in the eye and an up-thrust chin that took a nasty left hook from Stann, who accepted a commission as an officer in the United States Marine Corps in 2003 and served two tours in Iraq, earning the Silver Star for bravery in combat in 2005. Marshall marshaled some bravery of his own by giving back to the troops, giving what was most valuable to him, the World Extreme Cagefighting light heavyweight belt. We should all look to how we can contribute to these brave men and women.

Speaking with the press after the fight, Marshall, holding a bag of peas fresh from the freezer against the right side of his jawline, said:

"I think it’s important we honor the men and women who are willing to give their lives to protect us. I’ve been thinking long and hard about it throughout my 6 months of training for this fight – the 3 times a day in the gym, the diet regimen, the abstaining from sex, the grueling weight-cut near the end there – and came up with the plan with my team. They weren’t on board at first. But they came around. Those guys, the troops, like Brian Stann, really are getting a raw deal dying for no good reason at all in a country that never attacked us… but I wanted everyone to know they’re still appreciated.”

Marshall then spat blood and what looked like a tooth into a bucket held by one of his corner-man, who refused to meet his eye. “I think I did the right thing. Hoo-ah!”

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We were discussing our love for all things bacon the other day when we came across what can only be described as the world's greatest dish:

French toast with bacon ice cream, maple syrup and a cinnamon tuille.

Although we're not cultured enough to know what a "tuille" is, it doesn't have us worried. If the company it's keeping in the above photo is any indication, it's probably safe to assume we'd be huge fans.

And just who is responsible for filling our dreams with visions of this lightly fried, sugary, salty, life-changing, mouth adventure? A restaurant in Ohio, of all places! If you're ever in Cleveland (seriously, Cleveland), make sure you check out Lola and thank Cory Barrett, the pastry chef responsible for making the universe a better place.

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This is probably the best news we’ve heard since, “You are not the father.”

After a recent study found that couples where the man is 4.0 to 5.9 years older than the woman have the most children, “new research has found that in some circumstances a surprisingly large gap—15 years—is the optimum,” for child-bearing relationships.

We just used an exceptionally complicated sentence to say: We’re off the hook for liking younger woman.

Lady: Why don’t you date someone your own age?

Gentleman: Because that would fly in the face of evolution! I want to settle down and have kids. Seriously, I do. It’s just that my DNA forces me to look for a woman 15 years my junior--preferably one with a trust fund and a recipe for bacon vodka.

Lady: There’s no arguing with science!

Gentleman: Or scientologists!

Lady: What?

Gentleman: You’re too old, you wouldn’t understand.

In celebration of this wonderful, wonderful news, here’s a list of May-December romances previously considered creepy by those without the scientific method on their side:

• Jay-Z and Beyonce (11 years)
  
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (16 years)
  
• Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood (19 years)
  
• Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (21 years)
  
• Rod Stewart and Penny Lancaster (25 years)
  
• Donald Trump and Melania Knauss (24 years)
  
• Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas (25 years)
  
• Billy Joel and Kate Lee (28 years)
  

(Actually, these are still pretty creepy.)

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Kate Moss and Gisele Bundchen are naked and up for sale. The famed Christy’s auction house is selling a collection of photographs from the creepily-named Gert Elfering’s private collection.

The entire lot of them is expected to go for somewhere between 2 and 3 million dollars. Or you can go to the local truck stop strip club and see slightly less taut versions for five bucks and a two drink minimum. We know the bartender, so we’ll have him put the auction on the tube for irony’s sake. See you there.

Carla Bruni started out as a model. Then, she was all like: “OH, guess what. I’m a really good singer.” So, she became a really good singer. Then she was all: “OH, I think I’ll marry the president of France.” Then she did.

Now, she’s decided to remind you and everybody else how hot and untouchable and divine she is by posing naked in GQ.

Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the blowjob.- Talladega Nights

You win this round, France.

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That’s “charity job.” What a sweetie. People is reporting that she’s auctioning off two tickets to the premier of her new movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” for charity. The lucky (rich) buyer will have a chance to canoodle with the star in the VIP box area at the event.

Call us sadistic, but the hope that some rich fanboy buys these tickets to an event that couldn’t be more ironically named then ruins his memory foam pillow with a torrent of tears that night when he goes home alone…well, it just makes us feel like sunshine and butterflies.

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One half of ultimo-wife sisters and Food Network chefs Giada De Laurentiis and Rachel Ray is pregnant. It’s the former if you care, but she was talking about her pregnancy cravings to People magazine.

"I used to crave sweets before I got pregnant. You know, chocolate, cookies, cake. I've normally got a really big sweet tooth, but not now this baby just wants meat," she said.
…You know, I think this is the time to indulge myself," De Laurentiis said. "It's such a wonderful time, so I'm eating what I want."

A Food Network cook with the munchies in your house!? Todd Thompsom (her husband), we tip our hat to you, sir. You know precisely what you are doing, and we laud you for it.

Via Flynet

Some woman named Misty, who (maybe) was named for a variety of our favorite adult actresses, is claiming in a recent interview that she had an affair with Angelina Jolie during the filming of “Gone in 60 Seconds.”

One week after their first encounter, they ended up talking at craft services and Misty realized that "Angie wanted to sleep with me as much as I was so desperate to get her into bed," adding; "You could cut the sexual tension with knife."

(stunned, engorged, silence)

After that, Angelina dropped the bomb; "I want you to come to my trailer, get naked, and we'll have more fun and more photos." And although Misty hasn't revealed what happened once they were inside the trailer, she did say this, "Angie has very soft lips."

(sound of us falling out of chairs)

Corey is this kid in Australia who is a monumental tool. He threw a huge party at his parents’ house, and it got so big that the cops came. Because there’s nothing important in Australia but drunk girls , it made the news in a big way that he’d thrown this party, and Corey became a flash-on-the-barbie internet celebrity.

Now, thank goodness, Corey is being put where he belongs. And, as it turns out, he belongs on the business end of a coiled, angry, angsty, teenage fist. View on, viewer.

Our favorite part:

Reporter dude: Will this happen again?
Aussie arbiter of justice: Yeah.
Reporter dude: Sure about that?
Aussie arbiter of justice: Yeah.

The interview

Rambo opens today, and we haven’t seen it yet, but guarantee it’s going to be flawless. Number one: Rambo knows his role. Witness the following quote:

“Every actor would like to say that you’re Daniel Day-Lewis and have this incredible palette, but quite often you’re known for certain things. So I said, ‘If I could end my career on something, I’d like to finish up the loose end on Rambo.’

Number two: watch this trailer, and brace yourself for 2:05 mark.

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Johnny Depp’s daughter recently contracted E.coli poisoning which caused her kidneys to fail. We’re not doctors, but that sounds pretty bad. Johnny took her to Great Ormond St hospital which is a real fancy London children’s hospital. They saved her, and Johnny thanked them, Sparrow style.

ACTOR Johnny Depp secretly visited London's Great Ormond St Hospital yesterday to donate a million pounds to thank staff for saving his daughter's life.

‘Tis right and true for ‘im to give the ones saved ‘is daughter’s life a gift. Now they’re honor-bound to fight with ‘im in all discords public and private. Gar.

Buy it here.

By making your own custom action figure. For the low, low, totally worth it price of 425 dollars you can have your very own 12-inch version of yourself. Custom tattoos and stud earrings cost extra (just like in real life!). Now if only you can find a chick to appreciate how staggeringly groovy this is.

The best part, though, is when they feel like the have to defend the patently phenomenal idea of having a 12-inch action figure of yourself by describing uses for your doll.

...there is no event that these would not be welcome. Another solution is Memorial Action Figures, Bereavement Gifts, Funeral Gifts,

Funeral gifts, indeed! If there aren’t two versions of ourselves doing battle with gladiator jousting sticks atop our coffins we will be back to haunt the living piss out of every one of our friends and family for at least a year. Make a note in your Blackberries.