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Jimmy Fallon, it was announced (by some press person who works for NBC, most likely), is gonna slide into Conan O’Brien's slot (tee hee) when Conan slides into Leno's.

At least we know SOMEONE will be laughing during the monologue.

And hopefully this will stop him from "starring" in movies. Full story here...

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Well, you could choose to see this as the jump-the-shark ultimate sacrifice of dignity by a childhood icon to millions – nay, perhaps billions - of hypernostalgiacs out there.

Or you could see it as a grandpa who’s still cool enough to get completely blazed at a Nickelodeon awards show and who’s not afraid to mug it up for the amusement of the masses. He sparked some green in the green room, got green slimed (“I don’t know, Alistair, why did… aw man.”) and now has us green with envy over his inability to destroy our affection for him, no matter what.

Yes, Harrison Ford smokes weed. Supposedly a lot. But it’s legal here in Cali and no doubt years of quality stuntwork by Mr. Han F’ing Solo has produced some back-pain that’ll only be soothed by sticky green. So it’s totally legit.

So don’t judge, man… Just be.

He was on the Jimmy Kimmel show recently discussing how a motorcycle stunt he was attempting went awry. It went awry directly into his testicles.

He was attempting to perform a backflip on a motorcycle – a stunt that only in the last decade has been performed by anybody. The hitch (other than the hitch in his “giddyup”) was in the fact that Knoxville had never ridden a bicycle before.

Travis Pastrana tried to tell him not to ever let go of the bike. He did. When it fell 40 feet out of the air and hit him in the nuts. Oops. Time for a pee bag taped to your leg.

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When she checked into the famed Lodge rehab clinic, she was all booze and tears. Star magazine reports that

"She desperately needed help," a source in Utah tells Star. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears.
"She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."
Kirsten, 25, has long had a reputation for partying, with bloggers giving her the unfortunate nickname of Kirsten Drunkst.

Really? We’ve never heard that nickname. We prefer Sabertoothed Kristen. Perhaps the Vodka Vampire. Count Drambuie? We dont' know what she's even worried about. She hasn't flahsed her pookie or run over any paparazzi that we've heard of. Seems like she's way ahead of the curve on those fronts. Maybe she'd let us buy her a drink to congratulate her.

Last link for a while

Britney is crazy and she’s in the hospital and she’s been classified as “Gravely Disabled,” by the staff at UCLA Medical Center. No sh*t.

This blog is resigning from Britney Spears coverage until further notice. At this point, it’s no longer funny. Not because making fun of sadness isn’t funny (it is) but because it’s been done too much.

We’d rather write about how airline food is or people driving poorly on the freeway than terrible than how crazy Britney is. It would certainly be more progressive from a comedic standpoint. Over and out.

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For the low, low price of $300 (plus tax and weed…and tax on the weed?) Owen Wilson is treating his depression. He was spotted in Venice, CA where he strolled through the Green House Smoke Shop for 20 minutes looking for just the right bong.

He bought one of the biggest bongs and spent almost $300 on it' the insider claimed. When the 39-year-old released he'd been spotted, the witness claimed he tried to hide, telling Life & Style magazine: 'He was worried that someone might have seen him coming out…He hid behind a FedEx truck for 30 seconds before darting to his car!'

People should probably be supporting Owen Wilson in his gaseous endeavors. When have you ever known a pothead to commit suicide? Regarding his health, the worst case scenario is his lungs get a little dirty and he gets fat from too much Carl’s Jr. This is arguably better than death. Spark it, Owen.

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At the restaurant Southern Hospitality, Kid Rock was taking care of business as usual – paying his friends $500 to drink bottles of Tabasco sauce. When, suddenly, a plucky young busboy noticed something awry.

When a busboy at Southern Hospitality found a $200,000 watch on the floor and returned it to Kid, the rocker gave him $1,000 cash. “The watch wasn’t even his; it belonged to one of Kid’s friends,” said our source.

One wonders how much Pamela Anderson got paid to choke down his filthy sense of entitlement. Although, if his hangers on are sporting $200,000 watches and he dated Pam at all, he must know something we don’t.

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But the Daily Mail is reporting she is. Their claim rests on the fact that she was at the same restaurant as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for three hours. The Daily Mail cannot see another possibility than an ardent conversion. They were definitely not having dinner. Because, ya know, that’s not fun to write about.

Paris' appearance at the same Hollywood restaurant as the Cruises prompted speculation about a possible link to the religious sect

Did it? Perhaps by the Daily Mail? The interesting part, though, is that caption appeared under a picture of Paris’s fingers adorned with a creepy occult-ish snake-shaped ring. She’s probably not a Scientologist, but maybe she’s something way cooler. Something we don’t even know about! It would explain a lot of things if we suddenly found out that the gears behind the scenes were greased by Paris Hilton.

Touted as the “British Paris Hilton,” Chantelle Houghton is way hotter with way bigger chesticles. From now on, Paris Hilton is the “American Chantelle Houghton.” Well, that or trashy skank. False dichotomy?

Anyway, Chantelle got some newer, better, built-for-speed 32DD boobles and is outstripping her competition in both bust size and sexy quote frequency. Here's what she had to say about her new bazongas.

'I'm so happy with them – I absolutely love them and can't stop touching them!' - Daily Star

Hopefully Chantelle will grind up Paris Hilton and snort her soon thereby assuming Paris's sexy as her own. That's all we want for Christmas.

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Conan is taking it on himself (like your mom) to take care of his writers by paying 80 of them with his own money for the foreseeable future of the strike.

Conan is the best. He is a big, blushing bundle of late-night joy. Kind of like your mom. And he’s been more funny* than Leno and Letterman combined since he got on the air.

Hopefully, soon, he and Carson Daly will do battle and Conan will run him through with an ancient, rune-covered sword handed down to him from his Celtic fore bearers. Jimmy Kimmel on color commentary.

*The all-time most funny late night host, of course, being Craig Killborn

Julia Roberts performed a citizen’s hot celebrity mom's arrest on a paparazzo who took pictures of her kids at school. Julie don’t play that.

In the 10 seconds of this video clip you can experience the undiluted terror of every misdeed you were caught in as the wee rapscallion that you were. Or are caught in, more likely.

She’s such a mom. That “you’re in trouble” voice is the worst thing ever. They should give death row inmates the option to hear 7 minutes of that. We wager there would not be a taker among them.

(shiver).

Recently, proponent of vitamins and “stayin’ in school” Hulk Hogan entered into a messy divorce with longtime spouse, Linda Hogan.

This is hard* on all of us. What is a Hulkamaniac supposed to do? But imagine how foxy daughter Brooke Hogan must feel. She must be devastated, right?

Seen below is Brooke Hogan, presumable wracked with grief while the beads of moisture (tears?) glisten on her bronzed, taut form. Sweet Brooke, we are here for you.

*Teehee…”hard.”

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The Ripe TV cryptozoology department has pieced together the genetic history of The Winehouse Organism.

Using this new and powerful discovery, much of her allegedly erratic behavior can be explained in a submarine terms.

What many people have termed an alarmingly eating disorder is actually the result of a high-seafood, low-carb diet. Amy Winehouse subsists almost entirely on brine shrimp, often inhaling them through what appears to be a human nose.

Further, her famous caterwauling which garnered her numerous human music awards sounds so unique as it is actually a brand of echolocation. Unsuccessful bouts of it are to expected when her gill sacs are not moist. Dried gill sacs.

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UK rag News of The World reports that B. Spears is in the process of adopting Chinese twins. When we first read that, we assumed that was some kind of euphemism for imported, discount breast implants. Sadly, it is not.

The reality of the situation is almost as cool, though. Even though the NoTW is probably lying, it's a bitchin’ cool lie.

Friends feel that Britney has decided to adopt the two six-year-old tots from China in a frantic bid to fill the void left by losing her sons to K-Fed…And in another worrying move for the former Pop Princess, I can reveal she is splashing out £25,000 on her OWN funeral. Apparently, Brit has forked out the cash because she fears her spiralling lifestyle may lead to an early grave.

Ripe TV can exclusively report, now, on the pop diva’s impending plans to sever her own head and become a floating presence like this. Clearly, her Asian assassin babies will be enlisted to protect her soon-to-be defenseless, ahem, figurehead.

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Over the weekend, Britney went to Petsmart. She did not appear to be broken up over the fact that she couldn’t bring her children with because they’re forbidden by law to ride in their substance-abusing mother’s car.

Rather, she looked stoked to get some totally cute creatures for her expanding menagerie of pre-dead creatures.

The Vegas line on the lifespan of the goldfish (to be referred to for the remainder of this blog as Jayden and Sean) is 10:1 that they die in the first week.

Yep, Jayden and Sean will likely be dead. When B. Spears told the official (of Petsmart) her plans for taking care of Jayden and Sean, he had this to say to OK! Magazine:

"We warned her about it," says one pet expert at the store. "I would not be surprised if the goldfish Sean and Jayden were both dead in the morning."