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…as long as said man was born a woman and has all those tubes and isht inside. Oh, yeah, and a vagina.

Thomas Beattie, Oregon resident, is five months pregnant via artificial insemination, making him the first “man” to bear children in human history. He’s quite excited and said he hasn’t yet had any strange cravings, unless you count “goats milk and goldschlager” or “chick drinks, which is really embarrassing, considering.”

He also says he will be the child's father and that he, like a real man, will forgo the epidural in favor of the “stick between the teeth” pain-relief method.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, former actor, current Governor of California and, most pertinently, star of Junior, said he was “very excited my movies have inspired people other than terrorists, robot fetishists and non-identical twins.”

As for the donor of the sperm in question, Skip Hall could not be reached for comment.

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Pride comes before the fall, they say, and even being an AL Rookie of the Year, AL MVP award and two World Series rings doesn't change things. Former Oakland A and over-‘roided baseball superstar, Jose Canseco, is releasing yet another tome about life in the fast-broke-entitled-and-slightly-mentally-challenged lane. “Vindicated” is the follow up to his 2005 opus “Juiced”, which described more about his reckless and abusive lifestyle than the steroid-tinged baseball career he was most known for.

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“Vindicated” promises to deliver more, ahem, juicy info about illegal substance abuse in the MLB, including callouts of Roger Clemens, Detriot Tigers Outfielder Magglio Ordonez, and the once-hated-now-heralded-by-Yankees-fans golden boy Alex Rodriguez. The tag line reads: "Big Names, Big Liars and The Battle to Save Baseball".

The Battle to Save Baseball?

Maybe everything he writes is true, but given Canseco’s reputation, one has to question his motives. Or better yet – just call them out: his fifteen minutes of fame are up and he needs the money. Why else would rat out your friends? His reputation has far exceeded him. Short of dedicating his life to the homeless, opening an old folks home or finding a cure for AIDS, Jose Canseco will be remembered not for his post-season average or slugging percentage, but for heralding his own bad behavior and selling out his friends to save his own neck.

Enjoy the time working on your next novel, Mr. Conseco. You’ll have plenty of alone time to write it.

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When asked for the 100,000th time if he’d had plastic surgery done, George Clooney waved off Esquire magazine saying that no, he hadn’t to his face. However, other parts of his anatomy did need a little smoothing over.

"I did get my balls done though, I got them unwrinkled. It's the new thing in Hollywood - ball ironing."

Ouch. But also…interesting. Wonder how much starch you should use. Suppose it depends on the formality of the occasions your balls will be attending – say, medium starch for office balls.

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Jack Nicholson was out and about in London when he was informed of Heath Ledger’s death. In response he offered a creepily paternal “That’s awful. I warned him.”

Then, in an affront to his obvious power, some douchenozzle reporter asked him to sign a picture of The Joker. Why* Jack didn’t put his cig out in that guy’s eyeball and then sign his forehead using the singed blood and tissue from the chap’s smoldering socket is beyond us.

*If you don’t know why the paparazzo should sizzle, look here.

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Zac Efron had his appendix out earlier today and is reportedly on the road to recovery.

The 20-year-old High School Musical star was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for the surgery.
"Zac had his appendix removed and is recuperating," the rep says.

What a baby. He definitely flipped out when the hospital gown was unflattering and didn’t “make [his] eyes pop.” You know, there’s a guy here who’s uncle has had appendicitis for 31 years. He can still crush an unopened can of chili on his forehead.

Hopefully this celebutante gets thrown in jail for drunk driving soon, so he can get some ugly on him.

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When people like Vanessa Hudgens and Jessica Alba consider you way too girly you might have a problem. That is unless you are the proud owner of a set of ovaries. Jessica met Zach Efron at the Kid’s Choice awards and was creeped out by his unmanliness.

Of meeting Efron, she says, “He looks like a child with a lot of makeup. I was like, 'My God, you're just a little kid.'”

Before that, Vanessa Hudgens dated him and was creeped out by his unmanliness.

HSM pretty boy Zac Efron’s sudden obsession with cosmetics for his kisser and girly ‘do hair! Even after rumbles in the press questioning why he’s wearing full makeup everywhere – and galpal Vanessa Hudgens moaning to pals that he’s gotta “man up” and drop the whole metrosexual act.”

Zach. It’s time for you to start taking cues from this guy, not this guy.

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Manly. The formerly cool actor – previously noted for "Topgun," "Cocktail" and the first and third "Mission: Impossible" movies – has professed that he thinks his wife, Katie Holmes, looks best dressed like a dude. US magazine reports:

"Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush," she told the January issue of In Style. "He'll say, 'You look good. I hope security's going with you.' Now that gives me attitude."

One wonders what else Tom likes from Katie that errs on the masculine side of things? She’s got about 2 inches and 30 pounds on him – maybe the box or play fumblerewski? Maybe they dress up like American Gladiators and climb in giant metal cages to do battle. Hopefully they do. We’d rather watch that than “Lions for Lambs.”

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There’s a new Sex and the City movie coming.

The thing that we hate most about Sex and the City is this: Men are painted as “toxic bachelors” and women are encouraged to treat their hearts like purse-sized calculators to figure out romantic interactions.

At least here at Ripe we simply ask girls questions and they answer. They’re real women answering questions honestly about sex. People know what we are, and it’s kind of rad. But, so many poor young women think that the caricatures of women on that show are either: 1. realistic or 2. praiseworthy. Here is a telling quote from a fan site.

You can say its sexist all you want. You can say that real women in real life can never own that many Manolos. You can even say that they're just a well dressed quartet of bad role models...and you know what? I DON'T CARE.*** - an idiot.

Clearly you don’t.

***This post is under the tag “feminism.” So is a recipe for an Orangina-based cocktail.

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This leathery, haggard, British non-star of the small screen recently said:

“I’d rather have average to big. Let’s be honest, I know we don’t like to say it, we should say it’s about quality not quantity, but if it’s too small you don’t know it’s there.
“My favourite phrase is it can be like waving a cocktail sausage around the Albert Hall.”

We know you’ve had Earth-shattering roles on highly-acclaimed programs such as “Down to Earth,” “Spender,” “Soldier Soldier,” and a guest appearance on “Holby City.” But, that does not give you carte blanche to make fun of OUR little soldier soldiers. Not that, you know, they're easily made fun of or anything...

You know what we don’t talk about enough? Feminine inadequacy. Maybe a cocktail wiener is an inept analogy. Guess what, Aladdin was a solid 6 feet tall. But even he was dwarfed by the Cave of Wonders.

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A study at USC (they would do a study like this) has found recently that regular exposure to wet heat sources such as hot tubs can dramatically lower a man’s sperm count and motility. That means you have fewer soldiers and the ones you do have are limping.

If you’re not looking to have a baby, though, could there be a more comfortable form of birth control? Answer: nope. This method’s efficacy is yet to be tested, but how am I ever gonna know if y’all don’t try it out?

And the effects are reversible! If the guys in the study stopped hot tubbing for 3 to 6 months their sperm counts rose 491 percent. That’s a lot of baby batter – maybe too much.

The study continues to cite smoking as another common cause of low sperm counts. Jeez. Anytime a guy wants to relax and have fun he looses sperm! I think this is a psychological, subconscious version of Malthusian population control AND a great reason to play more video games…while smoking…eating Wendy’s…in a hot tub.