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Millions of men of the kept and hoping-to-soon-be-kept variety let out a collective cry of panic yesterday as the latest endangered species list was released. Sitting at number four on the list to be functionally extinct by 2020… the North American cougar. *

A cougar, as defined by Wikipedia, is “an older woman, usually in her 30s-40s who sexually pursues younger men in their 20's or early 30's.” They’re kind of like the female equivalent of the dirty old men, the lecherous rich guy, etc.

Without this species, many an attractive and fit man will not be able to exercise their Oedipal demons, afford the designer clothing that fits their taut forms so snugly or take advantage of high-priced cocktails that might feature muddled whatever and perhaps even elderflower liquor. Except during happy hour. And that, to these now-panicked men, is unacceptable.

Brody (last name withheld by request), a 23 year-old part-time model who resides in a small one-bedroom in Brentwood, CA, expressed the feelings that are spiraling through his whole caste “It’s, like, messed up. I don’t know what the EPA or the CIA or TLC can do anything about this. It’s just… I can’t always swing rent on my own. And if a fine filly who reminds me of my mom wants to make-out and help me out, what’s wrong with that?”&sbsp;

Oh, wait. It’s just these kind? Damn. Until they buy our pretty ass a drink, we’re not lifting a finger.

* See story here...