Ripe TV

UK rag News of The World reports that B. Spears is in the process of adopting Chinese twins. When we first read that, we assumed that was some kind of euphemism for imported, discount breast implants. Sadly, it is not.

The reality of the situation is almost as cool, though. Even though the NoTW is probably lying, it's a bitchin’ cool lie.

Friends feel that Britney has decided to adopt the two six-year-old tots from China in a frantic bid to fill the void left by losing her sons to K-Fed…And in another worrying move for the former Pop Princess, I can reveal she is splashing out £25,000 on her OWN funeral. Apparently, Brit has forked out the cash because she fears her spiralling lifestyle may lead to an early grave.

Ripe TV can exclusively report, now, on the pop diva’s impending plans to sever her own head and become a floating presence like this. Clearly, her Asian assassin babies will be enlisted to protect her soon-to-be defenseless, ahem, figurehead.