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Iron Mike Tyson, after declaring bankruptcy in 2003, has decided to make the only practical decision in his blood-soaked, rage-laced, tattooed, terrifying life and sell his Bentley.

It’s a 1999 Bentley SC Continental and goes 0-60 in 6 seconds. It can go 155 miles per hour and it’s got a removable glass roof.

Iron Mike has a full Bentley service history, so he can prove beyond a doubt the hooker sweat and self-loathing have been scrubbed out of the lamb’s wool carpets. Buy it now off Autotrader for only 135,000 British pounds!

Some booze is strong enough that you can set it on fire. That’s pretty awesome. Some awesome people realized that this presents a unique and daring (and, yes, awesome) opportunity to drink fire like Pele might.

Via Celebitchy

Harry Potter (a.k.a. Daniel Radcliffe) has been receiving serious death threats. The 18-year old is currently filming the last installment of the Harry Potter septology (fistpump) in Britain and has been assigned British SAS guards to protect his life.

The source said of the SAS guards: "They are all experts in evasive driving, threat assessment and close protection. This isn't about keeping an eye out for the paparazzi - these guys are looking for something far more sinister."

Sinister indeed! A dark and nefarious force. Something nobody in the wizarding world has seen in some time. Something we all fear and dare not speak of…

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There’s this terrifying fish that they recently found in London and people are (rightly) peeing their pants about it. It’s called the Snakehead fish. They're native to China. They kill people, and they can be two feet long. Ef!

It is feared the fish had been smuggled in for an aquarium and then illegally released. Snakeheads caused chaos when they were found in America in 2002, with snipers setting up on bank sides to shoot them and entire lakes being poisoned to kill them.

Holy swimming buddy, Batman. We’re never going in the water again.

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Last week was fashion week in NY, and Fabian, a Gawker reporter, saw her crap her pants.

Fabian was shooting an interview at the W suite in the tents when Tyra Banks' people busted in and told him to get the hell out. They allegedly said Tyra needed to change her clothes, because she "messed herself." He goes on to say that they had a change of clothes handy, so he was possibly under the impression that this happens every now and again.

Shoot us. 3 rounds. Center mass.

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Is a giant golden sarcophagus of a curvaceous and golden Oprah Winfrey. If you’re Egyptian god of fertility, she’s looking mighty foxy. We suppose this is some kind of artsy commentary on pop culture (or Egyptians?), but if you’re an American male, you hate Oprah about the same no matter what shape she is in.

Edwards, 42, says his piece pays homage to the closest thing America has to a living deity.

O, God [sic]! This is surely a sign of the Apocalypse. We just hope that when we get to the pearly gates, we don’t look up and see Steadman instead of St. Peter.

Source

Murderer on the dance floor and in the home of Joey Buttafuoco, Amy Fisher is spinning in a club tonight – probably to promote her sex tape.

Damnit! Doesn’t anybody sell insurance or work at a vacuum cleaner store anymore? This chick was in the slammer for 7 years for murder, then she gets out just to release a sex tape and become a DJ!?

…she admits that part of her settlement with the porno company that released the sex tape is that she must "acknowledge it and discuss it."
"It's part of the settlement - it's a fine line,'' she said dressed in a 1970s black elephant pants outfit with a matching halter top and spike leather boots.

We know at first blush this chick seems pretty badass – the kind of chick that might finally vulcanize you into the sex-robot you were always meant to be. But be not fooled by her feminine wiles. On the left is what’s in your head now…on the right, reality.

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Michael Jackson, the defrocked, uncrowned, besmirch’d former king of pop was spotted in a Las Vegas Barnes and Noble over the weekend with his three kids.

He has three kids!? When in the rainbow sh*ts did that happen?!

Anyway, he was predictably covered in bandages like drugstore-bought mummy, and he was looking to purchase a book about dragons. This is indisputable, inarguable proof that Michael Jackson has taken it upon himself to take pop music to the next level.

It’s been a long time coming – he’s going to turn himself into a magical beast – witness Michael Jackson in drag(on).

Source

Recently a couple teenagers at a high school were possessed by The Rock, and waited until after hours when they thought the school was empty to implement their most rockin-est karaoke jam.

The song of choice was, obviously, “Welcome to the Jungle” by the effing perfect rock band, Guns N Roses. What the kids didn’t know was that when they banshee screamed “You’re in the jungle baby! You’re gonna die,” a teacher working late fully thought she was literally gonna die.

State police say a teacher at Booth Free School barricaded herself inside a classroom Wednesday when she mistook someone singing a Guns N' Roses song over the public address system for a threat.

If anybody can find security footage of this going down, post it in the comments immediately. Naysayers beware: never, ever underestimate the awesome power of rock n roll.

Source Page Six is reporting that French film producer (and apparent professional masochist) Phillipe Rebboah wants to cast the apocalyptic Britney Spears in his new film “Sweet Baby Jesus.”

He wants her – was there ever a doubt – to be cast as the Virgin Mary. Yeah, the one from The Da Vinci Code/Holy Bible.

“Spears, 26, would play a pregnant 19-year-old unsure of her baby's paternity who goes into labor on Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, Maryland, as rumors swirl that the birth is Jesus Christ's second coming." Rebboah said, "I had to convince my partners, because they were like, 'Oh, no. Britney?' But I thought it was brilliant."

Typical Frenchman to think that idea is “brilliant.”

God: Britney, cake or the salvation of humankind!?
Britney: Eeeee! Cake please!

Source

Former porn icon and boob-deflating terrorist, Jenna Jameson is sticking her fingers into a new venture: slinging booze.

She and her friend Richie Rich (he’s the Heatherette designer that put ugly clothes on her shriveled form a bit back) have decided to open a bar together in NY Chinatown.

"It used to be a whorehouse," Richie told Page Six. The bar, to be called The General Store, will have a store in front where the duo will sell Richie's designs and clothing picked by Jameson.

We’re 50/50 on this one. A former brothel bar is something we’re almost always down for. Put a porn queen at the helm and that blasts frosting, in arcing ropes, all over the cake.

But Richie Rich shilling his glittery duds in the back room. Dubious. Very dubious.

Source (of evil)

There is a picture you have to see to understand this blog. However, we cannot post it for decorum sake. It is a picture of the birthday girl in question. It’s name is Amanda Lepore.

Before you look, though, bookmark the permalink for this blog, then return after you’ve purchased these and studied #13 for 2 years at least.

Fresh Hell

Saints bless us! O’ Heavenly Father! Cast out these foul demons!

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The NY Daily news is reporting that Star magazine is alleging that several, independent but unnamed sources have stated that Britney Spears has an “X-rated Fantasy Room” in her Mulholland Mansion. They go on to state her house is feces-stained from both pets and little boys (hers).

That is good enough for us! It’s a FACT! Britney is a sausage-crazed, nymphomaniacal sex demon with a likely feces fetish.

“What fresh hell is this?” – Dorothy Parker and, now, Ripe TV

What do you think the odds are that Britney has at least one more chick (for a total of two girls) and one cup in that room?

This picture is of Heath Ledger as The Joker in the newest Batman. Ef! What a smoldering bloc of terror. Remember when Batman could be watched by a 14-year old without inducing a life of night terrors and uncontrolled urination?

Remember when he could be watched by a 21-year old without inducing the same symptoms?

Our theory is that the movie after the Dark Knight will actually just be a snuff film where Batman forces himself on his enemy before killing them. And it will be real, not acted. Hopefully it will also star Heath Ledger.

Source

The Ripe TV cryptozoology department has pieced together the genetic history of The Winehouse Organism.

Using this new and powerful discovery, much of her allegedly erratic behavior can be explained in a submarine terms.

What many people have termed an alarmingly eating disorder is actually the result of a high-seafood, low-carb diet. Amy Winehouse subsists almost entirely on brine shrimp, often inhaling them through what appears to be a human nose.

Further, her famous caterwauling which garnered her numerous human music awards sounds so unique as it is actually a brand of echolocation. Unsuccessful bouts of it are to expected when her gill sacs are not moist. Dried gill sacs.