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Pauly Shore, erstwhile ermine, former amateur archaeologist of the Paleolithic era and stand-up comedian since, well, birth, recently added a new italicized line item to his business cards – Investigative Journalist. No wait – TIRELESS Investigative Journalist.

Joining the brightly-veneer’d, deeply-closeted and freakishly vainglorious (and sometimes all three) so-called “journos” jockeying for their piece of the Neilson ratings pie, Pauly paid a visit this week to San Angelo, Texas, to wade into the wake of the Yearning for Zion compound raid that now has polygamists alternately jailed and/or crying outside the jail, the 434 children (who can really count them all?) going through the Maury Povich treatment (DNA tests) and the American public passionately pretending to be interested in the “details of sexual abuse” because they’re concerned for these nubile young spiritual brides.

Needless to say, Pauly did not fake the funk. And he’s made no friends about his fellow intrepids. But he wasn’t there to make friends. He was there to find the truth. See for yourself how that went.



PS - YES, this is going to air on RipeTV soon, but that has NOTHING to do with why we’re talking about it. We just like ripping on Lou Dobbs.

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Jimmy Fallon, it was announced (by some press person who works for NBC, most likely), is gonna slide into Conan O’Brien's slot (tee hee) when Conan slides into Leno's.

At least we know SOMEONE will be laughing during the monologue.

And hopefully this will stop him from "starring" in movies. Full story here...

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Los Angeles is full of fat. You might not know that from the images Hollywood pumps out of chest bone-cleavage galore and ludicrous body standards on anybody within fourteen miles of normal.

But, oh yes, LA can get down with the chow-down. SoCal has the largest number of donut shops per capita in the US. And fast food pretty much started here, too.

Really, LA is all about excess. And the latest entrant to excess is found at Neo-diner The Waffle. And they’ve got a “secret menu” sandwich called “The Double-Wide,” that is making us moisten our keyboard even as we type this with our drool.

The bread: Applewood-smoked bacon waffles.

The meat: fried chicken.

Then add: lettuce, tomato, red onion.

Serve with: Maple Syrup, Country White Gravy

And they serve this across the street from Nickelodeon Studios. So if Miley Cyrus starts packing on some womanly curves, you know who to blame.

Or thank.

p.s. This is a scratch-and-sniff post. Scratch the double-wide and…innnnnhhhaaaaaallllleeeee.

p.p.s. Seriously? Now your screen is all smudged.

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Today, April 7th, is the 75th Anniversary of Beer’s triumphant return to the U.S. palate.

In 1933, Prohibition was on its last teetotaling legs as FDR assumed the presidency and, thanks to the Cullen-Harrison Act, beer became legal again at the stroke of midnight, “New Beers Eve.” It wasn’t powerful stuff – 3.2 alcohol – but it was, for the first time in 14 years, legal beer.

In gratitude, we've gone on to make Budweiser the number one consumed beer (both nationally and internationally), proving that whoever said "we didn’t deserve to drink beer" was right. So today, we can celebrate the 75th anniversary of the return of beer and the 75th anniversary of our not deserving it since all we do is drink the Shasta of suds.

Full Story Here…

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On April 5th, 2008, in a ShoXC event filled with controversy, Shayna “Queen of Spades” Baszler submitted Japanese former pro-wrestler Keiko “Tama Chan” Tamai in the first round of their MMA match-up. Despite Tamai’s raided-from-the-closet-of-Rainbow-Brite/Sanrio-Core outfit and a nickname borrowed from either, a) a beloved bearded seal of Tokyo or this little yummy fellow, she got smacked around, suplex’d and then tapped out on a side neck crank just past two minutes into the first round.

To the delight of the crowd, each crushing blow to the side of Tama Chan’s head sent sparkles across her vision and rainbows out of her nostrils and ears.

P.S. - Shayna, come do a show with Ripe TV. We’ll let you beat up every animated childhood icon we can rustle out of rehab.

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It took the Yearbook Club three days to decide which headline to place on Scotty and Annabelle’s (and little pre-born Trace!) picture.

It came down to these three:

1) Most Likely to Trade Firstborn for carton of Kools
2) Most Stylish Couple ( from Mr. Govkowski, the Yearbook Supervisor – lame!)
3) Cutest Brother & Sister

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William Singalargh, 27, faces up to five years in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. More specifically, he threw a deadly weapon some 16 or so feet at a 15 year-old boy. Even MORE specifically, the deadly weapon was a hedgehog. And the deadly weapon, though not deadly to the target, proved deadly to the weapon itself. The hedgehog was pronounced dead on the scene.

Dr. Ivo Robotnik was called in for questioning by NL Federal Police but later released.

Full Story Here…

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In a boarding house in Prince George’s County in the Washington, D.C. area, a young Master Stamp, a 12-year-old boy (not pictured) who lives with his mother, Cheryl, does what many boys his age do on a daily basis – burn through their homework as quickly as possible before, as many US Senators have described, “corrupting their young minds with violent imagery spoon-fed by the video game industry.”

But the artfully sound-designed cacophony of his virtual pursuit was disturbed by a ruckus in the other room. Pausing the game, he went to investigate and found a 64 year-old dude named Salomon Noubissie choking the isht out of his mom.

Springing into action, the plucky Stamp mentally pressed Y to “pick up item” – a carving knife – simultaneously pushed down LT & RT to activate targeting and then popped the X button, slashing the carotid artery of his mothers’ attacker.

Parents, get your kids an XBOX, Wii or PS3 post-haste. It’s cheaper than a guard dog and it’ll get them thinking vocationally.

Kids, thank us later.

Full Story Here…

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Well, you could choose to see this as the jump-the-shark ultimate sacrifice of dignity by a childhood icon to millions – nay, perhaps billions - of hypernostalgiacs out there.

Or you could see it as a grandpa who’s still cool enough to get completely blazed at a Nickelodeon awards show and who’s not afraid to mug it up for the amusement of the masses. He sparked some green in the green room, got green slimed (“I don’t know, Alistair, why did… aw man.”) and now has us green with envy over his inability to destroy our affection for him, no matter what.

Yes, Harrison Ford smokes weed. Supposedly a lot. But it’s legal here in Cali and no doubt years of quality stuntwork by Mr. Han F’ing Solo has produced some back-pain that’ll only be soothed by sticky green. So it’s totally legit.

So don’t judge, man… Just be.

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Millions of men of the kept and hoping-to-soon-be-kept variety let out a collective cry of panic yesterday as the latest endangered species list was released. Sitting at number four on the list to be functionally extinct by 2020… the North American cougar. *

A cougar, as defined by Wikipedia, is “an older woman, usually in her 30s-40s who sexually pursues younger men in their 20's or early 30's.” They’re kind of like the female equivalent of the dirty old men, the lecherous rich guy, etc.

Without this species, many an attractive and fit man will not be able to exercise their Oedipal demons, afford the designer clothing that fits their taut forms so snugly or take advantage of high-priced cocktails that might feature muddled whatever and perhaps even elderflower liquor. Except during happy hour. And that, to these now-panicked men, is unacceptable.

Brody (last name withheld by request), a 23 year-old part-time model who resides in a small one-bedroom in Brentwood, CA, expressed the feelings that are spiraling through his whole caste “It’s, like, messed up. I don’t know what the EPA or the CIA or TLC can do anything about this. It’s just… I can’t always swing rent on my own. And if a fine filly who reminds me of my mom wants to make-out and help me out, what’s wrong with that?”&sbsp;

Oh, wait. It’s just these kind? Damn. Until they buy our pretty ass a drink, we’re not lifting a finger.

* See story here...

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Picture this:

You put in a work day's worth of behind-the-wheel-time trucking 530+ miles to catch a gig by one of yer favorite bands in the world. You bump into wrong fella or maybe just look at some dude who owes someone some money and/or payback. You get your ass beat by said dude and four of his friends. Four of his crazy friends. They bust up some ribs and pull a Tyson (the former heavyweight champ, not the poultry folks), biting off a hefty chunk of one of yer aural flaps. For better or worse, they spit said chunk of ear out (rather than chewing and swallowing) onto the probably-not-altogether sanitary floor. And this all goes down BEFORE the act you came to see goes on. So you miss the show.

Needless to say, yer hospital bound and bummed out.

The story could end here, but we like happy endings...

The band, Japanese trio Boris, plays their set and notice their super-fan, a Josh Baish of Denton, Texas, in the audience. Well, a part of him, anyway. They pick up the chunk, rinse it off with some Soju and put it on ice. Return it to Baish. Write a song about it. Put it out on an EP.

The ear couldn’t go back on, but the fact that Boris wrote a song about the incident – even if it wasn’t his brightest, shining moment – was "worth it" to Paish.

This isn't the song they wrote, but it'll give you an idea of the rockness of Boris. It effin' owns.

What body part would you give up for your favorite band to write a song about it?

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Looking to get your learn on but don’t feel like dealing with stuff like books, driving, dorms or, you know, people? Well online college is definitely your bag. Using your laptop and the World Wide Web, you now have the opportunity to earn a degree without leaving your own boudoir. Literally. This could open a lot of doors for those of us who aren’t socially inclined. Anyone for E-hazing in cyberfrats and sororities? Who needs campus life when you can take your LSATs AND watch reruns of “Law & Order” whilst blazing up in your living room?

According to Attorney Robert A. McPhail, “Getting a college degree online is dumb.” When asked why, he replied: “Because no one in the real world will take you seriously.” But real college is such a hassle, dude. A degree’s a degree. Who’s gonna know you graduated with a major in biochemical engineering with ZERO hours of lab time?

And besides, we've still got SO MUCH work to do to get our Wii bowling average past 250.

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There’s Anti-Emo riots raging through Mexico. Reports of an 800-strong posse when on a search-and-destroy mission on, well, the Emo-core crew, Iwe're guessing. So now the persecuted are holding rallys and what-not. In related news, a goth-y couple got beaten, one to death, in the UK, by a small pack of thug-life uncool Britains.

All 'cause of being pierced, eye-linered and given to don some retro clothing and—shudder—bangs.

Wait, it’s cause of “anti-gay” sentiments? Who hates gays anymore? That's like being viciously anti-Whig. Well, if The Smiths* are still the biggest band in the world to some people, folks can cling to anything…

Thank God these people don’t live in LA where it’s nigh on impossible to separate the Goths from the waiters who work night shifts, the emo from the more-sullen-of-the-80s-revivalists, the Morrisey Mexicans from the Stray Cats-lovers from Sao Paulo, the homeless from the between-films serious actors. Who do you hit? Who DON’T you?

Who has the energy to muster up more vehemence against these folks other than an eye-roll's worth? And if so, are they sponsored by Monster Java or Sobe No Fear yet?



What’s worst of all is now these kids have to stick up for themselves. When what they’re supposed to be doing is scrawling poems on walls with their mom's lipstick or singing songs about heartbreak in a barely-audible mumble.

Read the story here… And the other one here…

*p.s. Yes, The Smiths are awesome. Please don't organize, mascara running down in tear-streaked rivulets, outside of the Ripe offices.

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A New Zealand man was recently sentenced to 75 hours community service. Seems he’d rung up the local PD and reported his own rape – in-progress – by a… oh boy… yes, a wombat - the rather slothful Australian marsupial that mostly has earned a distinction by being an Animal Encyclopedia neighbor to the way-cooler Wolverine.

Arthur Cradock, the sexually assaulted individual, called back after, one assumes, the act was complete and said that, other than now “speaking Australian,” he was okay and would like to withdraw his complaint. Police, unamused and disbelieving, filed charges of their own.

We would like to conjecture the following truths to be gleaned from the incident:

ONE: This once again proves the rule that sometimes “No” really does mean “Yes” but only when a wombat is involved.

TWO: This could explain Australian actors deft touch with assuming other accents (if Wombat rape makes non-Aussies speak Aussie…) Representatives for Multiple-Oscar winner Cate Blanchett, Oscar-Winner Geoffrey Rush and Oscar-Winner Russell Crowe all resulted in hang-ups or being told to “Feck off!” Calls to Abbie Cornish went unanswered but she said she’d block our number and… I guess she wasn’t being funny as we previously assumed.

THREE: Wombats are, by nature, gentle and receptive lovers.

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We'd like to take a moment to celebrate the retirement of Skip Hall, 63, who, until March 22nd, was the oldest MMA fighter on planet earth*. Hall was a golden gloves boxer, served tours of duty in Vietnam, Korea and the Philippines, was a powerlifter and runs a martial arts school. And, obviously, has got the whole bad ass thing down pat. Hall says he will now focus on his teaching, spending more time with his wife, Sally, and start selling straws of his high-test semen on the internet.

Update: Finally posted the last fight online. Ol’ Skip lost. Anyone wanna buy a straw for 50 bucks?



* (The oldest MMA fighter, omnigalactically, is Krang Tttsskrch, 4489 years of age). Source